Bulimic NO MORE

Most of you know that I have struggled with being bulimic for the last 13 years.  I've had times when I've done really good and not resorted to this method of weight loss, which by the way doesn't result in weight loss.  When I was pregnant I wasn't bulimic, when I was breastfeeding I wasn't bulimic and there were a few other times where I went for a span of time without being bulimic, the longest being about 9 months. 

As you know I'm doing Weight Watchers once again and this time I'm determined to do it the healthy way.  There have been a couple times where the thought has ran through my head that I could eat whatever I wanted and then just get rid of it but nope it's not going to happen.  If I can't lose this weight in a healthy way I don't want to lose it all.

I've been bulimia free for a couple months now and it feels so good to not turn to a behavior like that.  It's awful not to have control over your own thoughts and actions.  It's an addiction and I'm breaking that cycle once and for all. 

I don't know whats different about this time but something inside me has finally clicked.  I'm eating healthy and its not even hard, I think I've finally formed a new habit where food is concerned and I just have to keep with my routine.  I'm finally free of this disease and on the right path to getting healthy and losing weight.

First Slip

Well I had my first slip today.  I got home from school and I was so tired I didn't feel like cooking so I decided to take the kids out to eat.  Of course we went to an all you can eat buffet restaurant which led to me having a binge.  Honestly I don't even feel like I ate that much compared to what I normally do but I started feeling that same anxiety after eating to much as I use to.  I came home and purged for the first time in about 11 days, oh well I just got to move forward.  I'm going to slip every once in awhile but I'm getting stronger and thats all that counts.

Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor. 

Updated and Ready to Go

I finally updated my blog with all my new weights and goals and its time to make them a reality now.  There has been alot of stuff going on in my life and its still going on and I have put myself on the backburner for to long.  I have allowed stress to rule my life and as you can tell by my weight gain that meant more eating.  This next year is so important to me.  Next year at this time I graduate from college and when I do I want to be at goal or at least close to goal.  My weight is standing in my way in so many ways.  My self confidence is shot, my self esteem is nonexistant and well I'm suffereing from depression.  My bulimia is still pretty much controlling my life but I'm battling it everyday.  Its just time for me to pull myself out of this blackhole I'm in.  Its lonely, depressing and sometimes I think totally insane to be this way.  I know I want to lose weight, I know I need to lose weight and I know the bulimia is absolutely not helping me to do this so why do I continue to repeat the same steps that aren't working?  Now you see why I think its total insanity.  How can I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and still not be able to accomplish it?  Is it putting so much focus on every bite of food I eat that is making food so irresitable?  I don't even like eating anymore, how can you enjoy something that brings you so much pain and unhappiness, you can't.  I'm hoping that starting my blogging back and getting support from everyone on here will help me to find the strength that I'm lacking right now.  I need this victory in my life, I need to take my power back and I need to be the best I know I can be.  Please God give me the strength to conquer this demon.

My Struggle with Bulimia

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this besides its whats going on in my life right now but maybe it will help to talk about it.  I've wrote a few times on here about my bulimia and how I've struggled with it for over 10 years.  Up until last week I had been purge free for over 9 months.  Alittle over a month ago I started the Eating Clean plan which I was really enjoying until I started to slip some on my eating and then my sense of perfection became my downfall.  The little voice crept back into my head telling me all I had to do was get rid of whatever I had eaten wrong and everything would be fine, just one time and I could get back on track.  Well that one time turned into more than once, I should have known better, that same voice is what got me started down this path in the first place.  I remember the first time I purged, it was only suppose to be once and thats all it took to get me addicted.  Bulimia is just like any other compulsion, you think you are the one in control when the opposite is true, the compulsion or addiction is in control of you.  The compulsion is so strong and even though I know I'm damaging my body and purging really isn't helping me to lose any weight, as a matter of fact it has the opposite effect, I still can't stop.  Over the years I have realized there are many different sides to bulimia.  Sometimes I just used it to maintain my weight until I could gain my strength back to do it on my own, other times I would try to use it to lose weight by purging everything I ate, but I've never been skinny from being bulimic.  I know rationally that the only way to truly lose weight is to do it the healthy way, eat right and exercise but right now this demon is stronger than I am.  It makes you feel like such a failure to not be able to control your own body.  Sometimes all it takes to set off my bulimia is to eat something that I feel is going to make me fat and sometimes I intentionally plan out my purges if even by accident.  Like yesterday I had planned to take my kids out to eat and I was going to get something little, something I felt wouldn't set off my bulimia and then my mom suggested we go eat chinese which is one of my favorite foods.  I knew at that point that I was going to purge when I got home so why not just eat as much as I could, if I was going to damage my health I better make it count.  See how irrational that thinking is, its not like I don't know what I'm doing but I find myself to weak to say no.  Bulimia does so many bad things to your body from damaging your teeth, which I've had lots of cavities and lost 2 teeth, luckily in the back where you can't see.  It also throws off all the chemicals in your body which I've been told by my counselor contributes to my depression because one of the chemicals it messes with is the chemicals in your brain.  So many times I've worried that my heart is just going to stop or one of these days my esophagus is going to rupture when I'm purging, which can happen.  How can I know that what I'm doing can lead to death and keep doing it?  I keep telling myself well at least I'm only purging once or twice a day and not 4 to 6 like I use to, but once is to many.  Its just so hard dealing with this on top of having a food addiction, I want to beat it, I want it to go away, I want to be stronger than this but how?  Thanks for listening to my rant and if any of you have thought of turning to bulimia or any other eating disorder please don't, it doesn't help it only adds one more problem on top of what you are already dealing with.  Here is a post I wrote earlier with lots of information on all the different forms of eating disorders http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com/2010/10/eating-disorders.html.

Eating disorders

I thought I would write a post about the different forms of eating disorders and the signs of each.  Just so you know I am in noway a medical professional and all the following information I have gathered is from the following site http://www.something-fishy.org/ .  At the end of this post you can read about my own struggle with eating disorders.



The most common element surrounding ALL Eating Disorders is the inherent presence of a low self esteem.  Having an Eating Disorder is much more than just being on a diet. An Eating Disorder is an illness that permeates all aspects of each sufferer's life, it is caused by a variety of emotional factors and influences, and has profound effects on the people suffering and their loved ones.
Anorexia Nervosa
Those who are suffering with this illness have a low self-esteem and often a tremendous need to control their surroundings and emotions. The Eating Disorder, Anorexia, is a unique reaction to a variety of external and internal conflicts, such as stress, anxiety, unhappiness and feeling like life is out of control. Anorexia is a negative way to cope with these emotions. New research indicates that for a percentage of sufferers, a genetic predisposition may play a role in a sensitivity to develop Anorexia, with environmental factors being the trigger.

The person suffering with Anorexia may be abnormally sensitive about being perceived as fat, or have a massive fear of becoming fat -- though not all people living with Anorexia have this fear. They may be afraid of losing control over the amount of food they eat, accompanied by the desire to control their emotions and reactions to their emotions. With a low self-esteem and need for acceptance they will turn to obsessive dieting and starvation as a way to control not only their weight, but their feelings and actions regarding the emotions attached. Some also feel that they do not deserve pleasure out of life, and will deprive themselves of situations offering pleasure (including eating).

Some of the behavioral signs can be: obsessive exercise, calorie and fat gram counting, starvation and restriction of food, self-induced vomiting, the use of diet pills, laxatives or diuretics to attempt controlling weight, and a persistent concern with body image.

It is important to point out that there can be a number of ways a person suffering from Anorexia can portray their disorder. The inherent trait of a person suffering Anorexia is to attempt to maintain strict control over food intake. In a number of cases a man or woman suffering will seem to eat normal meals with only periods of restriction. Anorexics are sometimes known to eat junk food, particularly candy, to drink a lot of coffee or tea, and/or to smoke. They may deny hunger, make excuses to avoid eating, will often hide food they claim to have eaten, use diet pills to control appetite, or attempt to purge the food away with self-induced vomiting, or by taking laxatives.

Bulimia Nervosa
Men and women who live with Bulimia seek out binge and purge episodes -- they will eat a large quantity of food in a relatively short period of time and then use behaviors such as taking laxatives or self-induced vomiting -- because they feel overwhelmed in coping with their emotions, or in order to punish themselves for something they feel they should unrealistically blame themselves for. This can be in direct relation to how they feel about themselves, or how they feel over a particular event or series of events in their lives. Those suffering with Bulimia may seek episodes of binging and purging to avoid and let out feelings of anger, depression, stress or anxiety. New research indicates that for a percentage of sufferers, a genetic predisposition may play a role in a sensitivity to develop Bulimia, with environmental factors being the trigger.
Men and women suffering Bulimia are usually aware they have an eating disorder. Fascinated by food they sometimes buy magazines and cook-books to read recipes, and enjoy discussing dieting issues.

Some of the behavioral signs can be: Recurring episodes of rapid food consumption followed by tremendous guilt and purging (laxatives or self-induced vomiting), a feeling of lacking control over his or her eating behaviors, regularly engaging in stringent diet plans and exercise, the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, and/or diet pills and a persistent concern with body image can all be warning signs someone is suffering with Bulimia.

It is important to realize that what makes a person Bulimic -- as opposed to Anorexic -- is not the purging, but the cycle of binging and purging. Purging may be using laxatives or self-induced vomiting, but there are Bulimics who use other inappropriate compensatory behaviors such as compulsive exercise (ie., excessive jogging or aerobics), to attempt to burn off the calories of a binge, or fasting the day following a binge. It is not uncommon for a man or woman suffering with Bulimia to take diet pills in an attempt to keep from binging, or to use diuretics to try to lose weight. A sufferer will often hide or "store" food for later binges, will often eat secretly and can have large fluctuations in their weight.

Both Anorexia and Bulimia...
There are many similarities in both illnesses, the most common being the cause. There seems to be a common occurrence of sexual and/or physical and emotional abuse in direct relation to eating disorders (though not all people living with Eating Disorders are survivors of abuse). There also seems to be a direct connection in some people to clinical Depression. The eating disorder sometimes causes the depression or the depression can lead to the eating disorder. All in all, eating disorders are very complex emotional issues -- Though they may seem to be nothing more than a dangerously obsessive weight concern on the surface, for most men and women suffering with an eating disorder there are deeper emotional conflicts to be resolved.

Compulsive Overeating
People suffering with Compulsive Overeating have what is characterized as an "addiction" to food, using food and eating as a way to hide from their emotions, to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives.

People suffering with this Eating Disorder tend to be overweight, are usually aware that their eating habits are abnormal, but find little comfort because of society's tendency to stereotype the "overweight" individual. Words like, "just go on a diet" are as emotionally devastating to a person suffering Compulsive Overeating as "just eat" can be to a person suffering Anorexia. A person suffering as a Compulsive Overeater is at health risk for a heart attack, high blood-pressure and cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, arthritis and bone deterioration, and stroke.

Men and Women who are Compulsive Overeaters will sometimes hide behind their physical appearance, using it as a blockade against society (common in survivors of sexual abuse). They feel guilty for not being "good enough," shame for being overweight, and generally have a very low self-esteem... they use food and eating to cope with these feelings, which only leads into the cycle of feeling them ten-fold and trying to find a way to cope again. With a low self esteem and often constant need for love and validation he/she will turn to obsessive episodes of binging and eating as a way to forget the pain and the desire for affection.

It is important to remember that most Eating Disorders, though their signs and symptoms may be different, share a great number of common causes and emotional aspects.

Binge Eating Disorder
Men and Women living with Binge Eating Disorder suffer a combination of symptoms similar to those of Compulsive Overeaters and Bulimia. The sufferer periodically goes on large binges, consuming an unusually large quantity of food in a short period of time (less than 2 hours) uncontrollably, eating until they are uncomfortably full. The weight of each individual is usually characterized as above average or overweight, and sufferers tend to have a more difficult time losing weight and maintaining average healthy weights. Unlike with Bulimia, they do not purge following a Binge episode.

Reasons for Binge Eating can be similar to those of Compulsive Overeating; Using Binges as a way to hide from their emotions, to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives. Binging can be used as a way to keep people away, to subconsciously maintain an overweight appearance to cater to society's sad stigma "if I'm fat, no one will like me," as each person suffering may feel undeserving of love. As with Bulimia, Binging can also be used as self-punishment for doing "bad" things, or for feeling badly about themselves.

A person suffering with Binge Eating Disorder is at health risk for a heart attack, high blood-pressure and cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, arthritis and bone deterioration, and stroke.

As some of you may know already I suffered for bulimia for over 10 years but I have been able to fight the urge for about 7 months now.  I partly give credit for this to the anti-depressant that I'm on called cymbalta.  Reading through all these different forms of eating disorders I can say with confidence that I have had some form of each one of these.  Cycling from bulimia where I would binge and purge to a point where I would feel guilty about purging so I would just purge which is known as binge eating disorder.  When I got tired of binging on foods and gaining weight I would go on a starvation diet where I would try to restrict my calories or even have days where I would fast which was my phase in the anorexic period.  When I couldn't maintain this any longer then I would end up eating compulsively only to end up binging and purging again.  It feels so good to finally be at a point in my life where I am eating healthy and exercising, I'm finally doing it the right way.

Bulimia is a very scary disease.  I use to read about it online all the time and once I found a site where you could list the names of people who had died from eating disorders and there were so many people that had been suffering from bulimia much longer than I had and they died from complication of the disease.  I worried that one day my heart was just going to give out or my esophagus was going to rupture while purging.  Its not something I had control over no matter how much I wanted to believe I was the one in control.  Just like with trying to lose weight you keeping making yourself promises, I promise this is the last time or I'll be a good girl tomorrow.  I honestly believed that bulimia would kill me and the sad thing was even though I was binging and purging it never got me to the weight I wanted to be.  There are no quick solutions to weight loss, no magic pill, just hard work and determination. 

If anyone reading this post feels like they suffer from one of these eating disorders please ask for help, from me, a friend, family, your doctor or a counselor.  I know that its hard to overcome an eating disoder but I'm LIVING prove it can be done.  I can't say its easy and I can't say there aren't still days where I am tempted to binge and purge but just like with any other addiction once you get your mind clear and your heart set on losing weight the right way you can overcome anything.

For anyone that would like to share do you feel like you suffer from any of these forms of eating disorder and how are you trying to overcome it?  I wish you the best of luck and I will offer support anyway I can.

The information contained in this post was "Used by permission from CRC Health".  To read more about this topic and many more visit http://www.something-fishy.org/ .

My Eating Disorder

I mentioned in a previous post that I developed an eating disorder many years ago, well I thought I would explain how that happened.  Few people in my life know of the struggle I have had to endure to overcome my eating disorder. I was a late bloomer by most statistics, usually eating disorders begin in the teenage years but I was in my late twenties when mine began. It started one day when I had overeaten a little and the thought came to my mind if I got rid of the food then it would be like I had never eaten it, so I did. That one day changed the rest of my life because that's when I became bulimic. It was just suppose to be a one time thing but that one time led to another and another until I was doing it 5 to 6 times a day. At this point I would binge knowing I could get rid of the food so I had permission to eat whatever I liked and still lose weight. I would eat a gallon of ice cream or a hole package of cookies, or maybe a dozen donuts, as you can see I have a big craving for sweets but it didn't stop there. I would binge on fast food or just whatever happened to be in the house at the time. Guilt became a big thing in my life, I felt guilty for eating, I felt guilty for being bulimic, I felt guilty for not losing enough weight and I felt guilty for losing to much weight because I knew how I was losing it. Eventually my bulimia got so bad that I could eat just a banana and feel guilty. I suffered with this disease for over 10 years and honestly still battle it everyday. I have finally found a medicine prescribed by my doctor that has curbed the desire to binge and purge which is called cymbalta. It was prescribed for depression but luckily this was a side effect of this drug, at least for me. I have been bulimia free now for about 5 months which doesn't seem like long but to not have this disease ruling every second of my life I will take everyday I can.

The truth about my blog

I have to admit the title of my blog isn't completely true I was at one time and only one time in my life one of the skinny girls.  It was probably about a year after my first child was born and I was around 24 years old.  I had put on alot of weight and I got to a point where I knew it was time to do something about it so I went by myself and joined Weight Watchers.  I weighed in that night and when I found out what I weighed I was completely shocked.  I was 290 lbs, the most I had ever weighed in my life.  The Weight Watchers program came very easy to me and the weight pretty much dropped off every week.  Over the next 16 months I managed to lose 148 lbs which left me at the smallest I had ever been 142 lbs.  It was weird I finally got to my goal weight and instead of compliments I got comments like you are looking anorexic, don't you think you have lost enough weight?  But I guess they had the right to be worried because this dramatic weight loss had led me on a path that I never thought I would go, I ended up with a eating disorder, which I will talk about at another time.  No matter though because I didn't stay at this weight for very long anyways. 

Within a year I was up to about 170 lbs and then I found out I was pregnant with twins which everybody knows what that means, I got to eat for three.  Well by the time I gave birth to my twins I was well into the 260's.  From this point on my weight went up and down depending on which diet I was trying at the time.  This brings me to the present and the promise of posting my weight.  I had to go to the doctor yesterday because of being sick and of course the first thing you have to go through is the dreaded weigh in.......drumroll please.......the number which I already knew because I weigh everyday at home was 247 lbs.  Now I  know most people are going to think well if Weight Watchers worked so well for you why don't you just go back.  The answer to this is I have time and time again and either I just don't stay on track or maybe just getting older and my metabolism slowing down I just don't lose the weight like I use to.  So my journey begins on here, to document what I eat, when I exercise, what I lose and to make new friends that are having the same struggles I am.  I know I promised pictures today but I just haven't gotten around to taking any yet plus like most overweight people I absolutely hate having my picture taken, odd considering I'm in college right now taking photography but hey I love taking pictures of other people.  I promise though very soon I will get a picture on here because I want to be able to look back and see what I have accomplished six months, a year or even two years from now.