Another Monday

Am I the only one that hates Mondays?  I'm not sure why, I don't work so its not that I dread going back to work.  I go to school but I actually like going to school.  I do have to get the kids up for school but then I am free of kids for the rest of the day so its not that either.  I guess Mondays have just always symbolized the beginning of a new week.  A long week of getting up early and spending all day, everyday getting things done.  Maybe its just the laziness in me wishing I could just sleep in and not wake up until midday. 

My typical day begins at 5am and doesn't end until 9:30pm.  I know thats an early bedtime but my husband suffers from insomnia so we go to bed pretty early which I don't mind because I'm exhausted by then.  At least I have no doctor appointments, school events or meetings this week.  You know the saying a mothers work is never done and thats absolutely true.  I just dread getting up and I'm always so tired and have to drag myself out of bed.  Maybe I need to take some kind of vitamin or something.

Does anyone else feel this way?  Have you found taking a vitamin helps? 

Taking Control and Refocusing

I wrote a post earlier today about recommitting myself to my weight loss goals and I am determined to do that, but I also need to take control of my life and refocus on the things that are important. 

Just so you understand what I'm talking about here is alittle background information on myself.  I have a very specific pattern in my life and its like clockwork.  I find something that I really want to do and I get all gung ho and take on the challenge full force but that momentum only lasts so long and then I crash.  I do this with house cleaning....with dieting.....with craft projects....with pretty much everything.  I feel like if I'm not doing everything perfectly then I'm failing.  Of course its nice to always try to do your best but for example in school if I make anything less than a 100 then I feel like I'm failing myself. 

Right now I'm in the downward cycle of this pattern.  I'm not making out my lists like I use to which always motivated me to get things done.  I'm not thinking out my eating or planning ahead, I'm just eating what is available.  I haven't worked on my scrapbooks in probably a year and this is something I use to love to do.  I'm procrastinating with alot of things and just being plain lazy.  Now when I come out of this cycle I will be like a crazy woman trying to fix all the damage I have done and accomplish everything I have let pile up.  I do recognize that this isn't a healthy pattern and its definitely something I need to work on.

I recommited myself to my weight loss journey this morning and I want to do the same thing with other things in my life.  I need to take a healthy approach to these things though.  I still think lists are my best tool and give me a starting point so when I get back from walking in a few minutes I'm going to make out a list of all the things I would like to accomplish around my home, in school, with my weight loss, with my kids and with life in general.  This sounds like alot and it may take me some time to do but it will be worth so I can start working towards all my goals.  I have to find ways to get myself out of this destructive pattern I live in instead of waiting for it to cycle through.

Does anyone else feel like they go through these patterns?  Do you go from 100% motivated to completely not caring?  What do you do to get yourself out of this pit?

Don't feed that emotion!!!!

One of the hardest things I have had to overcome on this weight loss journey is learning how not to feed my emotions.  I won't go into detail because it is a personal situation but lets just say right now I'm so angry I'm seeing red.  When I'm feeling like this the old me wants to just pig out and make myself feel better....at least temporarily.  The new me has a new philosophy....I'll be damned if I let the person who upset me like this win twice.  This person would love nothing more then to see me stay fat and I refuse to give them that satisfaction. 

It's so hard not to give into that voice thats telling me to eat a whole package of cookies or a gallon of ice cream or hit a couple fast food restaurants but I won't give in....not this time.  I know what that leads to for me.  First I binge and for alittle while I feel really good because the food makes the pain go away but then the guilt sets in.  After the guilt comes the voice telling me I can fix what I've done wrong by purging.  Its like an addiction and the pull is so strong but you aren't going to win this time.  I am way stronger than I use to be and I'm going to be happy and healthy no matter what that takes. 

I think my life is finally on the right path and along with the baggage of losing all this weight there is other baggage I need to take care of.  Have you ever felt like there were things in your life holding you back from your true purpose?  This journey to lose weight is about so much more then just the pounds.  Its about healing on the inside as much as it is about the oustide.  I've allowed so much damage to be done to me from emotional, to physical and even mental.  Its time for me to take my life back and be who I was meant to be.

Bored Again

I'm laying here bored again.  I'm suppose to be studying for a my test in photography tomorrow but I can't even get into that.  Sometimes I just get so unfocused that I can't do anything.  I wrote a post a few days ago about being bored and my solution was to come up with a boredom list I could turn to when I wanted to eat.  I've been working on that list for the last couple of days and this is what I've come up with so far:

1.  Clean the house
2.  Go for a walk
3.  Scrapbook
4.  Read a book
5.  Read blogs and leave comments
6.  Go shopping
7.  Go out taking pictures
8.  Wash my car
9.  Run errands
10. Pamper myself....manicure, pedicure...etc
11. Do schoolwork

As you can see I have plenty to keep me busy I just have no motivation to do anything.  What do you do when you just want to be lazy?  How do you motivate yourself to get up and get things done?  What do you do when you lack inspiration?

I think my mood may be tied to the weather outside.  Its just a gloomy, rainy day and I don't do well on days like this.  Does your mood change according to the weather?  How do you overcome this?

If anyone has any ideas of activities I can add to my boredom list I would appreciate it.  The more I have to keep me busy the better.

Stress Eating and the Festival

As I posted yesterday I was going to the Renaissance Festival with my son today.  I got up this morning and got the kids ready and drove them to school.  We waited in the classroom for awhile waiting on the bus to get there to take the kids to the festival.  It arrived and the kids were loaded on the bus and all the parents had to drive themselves.  Now the plan was for us to follow the bus or at least we thought that was what was going to happen.  As soon as the bus pulled out of the park lot it was gone, luckily I pretty much knew where I was going and I was behind another parent driving there and had two more parents behind me so I figured everything would be fine.  The first 30 minutes of the drive were ok until we got into a busy section crossing over the interstate.  Lets just say that a trip that was suppose to take us like 58 minutes turned into about 1 hour an 45 minutes.  The traffic was so lined up and of course I ended up in the back somehow and everyone else ran off and left me.  I was so stressed out the whole time wondering how I was going to find my son once I got there and how long the bus had already been there waiting on us.  This was my first bout with stress eating since I started this blog.  My anxiety was so high and thats when I remembered I had brought me a small bag of nuts to snack on, I pulled those suckers out and start popping them like pills and about halfway through the bag I realized what I was doing.  The scary part was that it was actually calming me down, I don't want to have to depend on food to do that.  So finally I arrived at the fairgrounds. Before leaving the school I had asked the teacher how I would find them once I got there.  Well she answered we will all be parked together and she was right about that, about 100 white buses scattered over acres of the fairgrounds.  Luckily I spotted another parent from my sons school and asked her if she knew where they were located and she said she had just talked to the teacher and they were just pulling in.  Don't ask me how but all my worrying was for nothing because all the parents made it there before the bus did.  So I went and got my son and we enjoyed ourselves at the Renaissance Festival. 

Here are some pictures of our day at the festival:

As soon as we walked through the gate this was the first thing I seen but I just kept on walking.

The King and Queen of the Renaissance Festival.

My son enjoying his giant turkey leg which we shared for lunch.

One of the shows we watched....juggling fire...scary.

Josh and the fairy princess....I think he really liked her.

They had so many cool buildings that really took you back to the Renaissance period.

 Josh enjoying his chocolate eclair....I did sneak one little bite.

At least all the stress I went through on the way there was worth it to spend a fun day with my son.



Worried about boredom

Today has been the first time that I've experienced boredom in awhile and its kind of scary.  I knew that I was off school this week until Friday so I worked really hard this weekend to get everything done so I could enjoy some rest and relaxation during the week.  Well that stategy is backfiring on me.

I was fine today while everyone was at school and work but after they got home and my oldest son went to his dads and my two youngest went to my moms that just left me and my husband and we were pretty much just laying around here doing nothing.  Well I kept catching myself walking into the kitchen to see what there was to snack on.  I did end up eating a few more nuts and a baby banana but I don't want to start responding to boredom by eating. 

I was talking to my husband about how bored I was and how I was worried that after one of my classes ended this Friday that I wasn't going to have as much to keep me busy.  I said I guess I can walk a few laps around the neighborhood when I get bored and he said do you want me to go jog with you right now?  I said what?  He said go get ready and we will go jog a few laps so I hurried and got ready and we went.  I did jog alittle, maybe .3 of a mile but its still really hard for me to jog with this much weight on me.  We only did 1.5 miles but it felt so good to do something instead of sitting around here being bored thinking about food.

I really like routine and a schedule in my life and starting this Friday one of my classes will be ending so this is going to be a big change for me and I don't do well with change.  Any suggestions on how to deal with this?  What do you do when you are bored and want to eat?

Hopeless

What do you do when you are starting to feel like losing weight is hopeless?  I'm not at that point yet but I keep asking my husband how come I'm not losing much weight when I'm eating right and exercising.  I know its better to lose the weight slower because then you have a better chance of keeping it off but it just feels like the scales not moving.  I'm still determined to lose weight so I'm not giving up but I do have that fear that one morning I'm just going to wake up and say screw it I'm tired of working so hard for nothing.  I read other peoples blogs and I know I should not compare myself to them but they are losing 2 or 3 lbs a week.  My weigh in is tomorrow and right now I don't even think I'm going to have a loss this week.  I just don't get what is stalling my weight loss.  I know as you get older your metabolism slows down but just a year ago I dropped 40 lbs doing Weight Watchers.  I compare how I eat now to how I ate 2 months ago and it is a tremendous difference.  Could it be the medicine I'm on, my doctor did do some blood work to make sure everything is working right but I haven't gotten the results yet.  I'm going to call her tomorrow and see if I can find out.  Its never been this hard for me to lose weight before.  I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome years ago but once I got down to a certain weight that didn't seem to be an issue anymore but I'm wondering if its not back now.  I haven't had my period now in a couple of months but there is pretty much no chance that I'm pregnant because I got my tubes tied over 7 years ago.  Maybe my PCOS is back and that can make it harder to lose weight.  If I could just figure out what is standing in my way then I can change it but I have no idea at this point.  I know that I'm not exercising as much as I should be but I've lost weight before without exercising at all.  Its like trying to find a needle in a haystack as to what is going to work for me.  I feel like I'm just being such a complainer but never in my life have I put so much into to losing weight only to get so little in return.

Whoa trigger!!!!

My question to you is what triggers a binge for you? 

Luckily since I've starting blogging my weight loss journey I haven't had a binge yet, thank God.  What I want to know is what triggers a binge for you?  Is it a certain emotion or a craving for a food you absolutely love, is it a lack of willpower or are you just trying to bury some deep dark feelings you don't want to surface?  I've probably experienced each one of these at one time or another.  For me food can be a punishment or a reward.

If I'm sad, depressed or mad then I turn to food to comfort me, to take away the bad feelings I don't want to feel.  If I'm happy then food can only add to that happiness right.....wrong.   If I've done something I'm proud of or I've really accomplished something then why not go out to eat to celebrate, I deserve a reward for my hardwork, but is it a reward....heck no.  What if I'm bored?  The first thought that pops into my head is what do I have in the kitchen to eat?  Why is it every emotion leads me right back to food?  I'm not a robot; I have freedom of choice, then why is it when it comes to food I don't or I can't make a better choice?  Its time I reprogram myself to respond to these emotions in a different way.  If I'm sad, depressed or mad then apparently someone mad me that way right?  I have started to think why give that person the satisfaction of winning twice by binging.  I'm stronger than that!!!   I don't need food to make me happy; I need to be healthier to be happy!!!!  Reward myself with food.....why would I do that when there are so many other things that can serve as a lasting reminder of my accomplishments.......clothes, jewelry, perfume....etc.  If I'm bored....why should I be bored I have this blog to keep me busy, I have hobbies, school and a family to take care of.  My emotions will no longer be the cause of me binging....I've taken my power back!!!

Cravings?  Lets see cookies, cakes, ice cream, chocolate, pizza, fast food....you name it I pretty much crave it....oh lets not forget brownies and donuts.  As you can see I'm a fast food and sweetaholic.  Its very hard not to give into these cravings; everywhere you go food is right in your face.  Quick, inexpensive, fattening, greasy, calorie loaded goodness just calling our names.  The trick for me is to give into those temptations....yes thats right give in, but you have to do it sensibily.  If I want fast food I get the healthiest thing they have on the menu.  That doesn't mean ordering 5 grilled chicken sandwiches because they are better for you then eating a burger, you also have to watch portion size to.  I also stay away from anything that has been fried, I go for grilled, baked or broiled.  Now mind you I don't eat out all the time but when the day has been busy or I don't feel like cooking then I chose the healthiest fast food I can find.  As for sweets I also allow myself to have them on occassion, but I limit the size I buy and how much comes into the house.  If I'm craving chocolate then I usually get something like a single peppermint patty.  Or if my husband is eating something sweet then I will take a bite or two and thats it I stop.  I would never ever bring a whole cake or a half gallon of ice cream in the house at least at this point because I still don't have the control I need not to binge on it.  You have to find what works for you and stick to your guns.

Lack of willpower....that pretty much described the old me.  I committed and recommitted myself a million times over to losing weight but here I am 37 years old and 238.4 lbs.  I've asked myself so many times why is it so hard to lose weight if I want it so bad, all I have to do is stop eating like I do.  If only it was as easy as making your mind up to lose weight we would all be skinny.  My willpower has grown so much just since starting this blog.  Maybe its the accountability or the support I'm receiving but I feel more empowered and in control of my life and my eating then I ever have been.  For most of us and me included we let this long journey overwhelm us and it can if you focus on how long its going to take to get the weight off but for me I'm taking this journey one day at a time.  I get up in the morning and I have my routine that I go through each day...... breakfast, lunch and dinner around the same time.....go to school, clean the house, run errands, make phone calls, whatever it is I need to get done that day.  I try to keep my mind off food and keep it busy thinking about other things.  Food should not be the main focus of our day and then our lives come second.  I use to plan my day around my food; now I plan my food around my day.  Just slow down and enjoy the journey because when you get to your destination you want to remember where you came from so you never go back there again.

Burying my feelings.....what else is there to do with them, feel them?  Yes thats what we need to do and I know thats not easy.  I have spent many years completely blocking out any feelings I had.  I was just an empty shell just going through the motions but like I've told my husband so many times if you don't feel the bad feelings you can't feel the good ones either.  You can't pick and chose or at least I can't.  Now I let myself feel...if I need to cry then I cry.... if I need to laugh then I laugh.  You let the feelings out then you don't have to use food as a coping device to stuff those feelings down.  I know for many people there is abuse and other things that have led them to deal with their feelings in this way and for something that extreme you probably need counseling.  I'm not ashamed to say that I have been in counseling.  There are so many good things that can come out of letting go of the past and moving forward and giving yourself permission to live your life, emotions and all.  Don't let anything stand in your way of weight loss....just face your fears and conquer them then you can begin to live a healthy, happy, long life.

My moods and eating

It seems like no matter what mood I'm in I can find a reason to eat.  Earlier today someone made me a little mad and I was on my way to the store to get a few things and the first thing that popped into my head was what could I get to make myself feel better?  Then it hit me eating something bad for me wasn't going to make me feel better it would actually make me feel worse.  Why should I give the person who upset me the satisfaction of knowing that they had that kind of effect on me?  Why should I punish myself for their insensitivity?  And that's exactly what it would have been was punishment.  At first it may have felt good but after I consumed a bag of candy or a gallon of ice cream who would be left to feel the pain, not the person who upset me, I would.  Now I will admit as you can see by my food journal that I did get me a peppermint patty but only one and I know from being in weight watchers that its only 3 points so that's not that bad.  It feels good to be able to step back from my feelings and look at why I'm wanting to binge and being able to say NO to myself.