Challenge Accepted

I accepted a challenge today from a girl I work with. She has been attempting to lose weight for alittle longer then I have and so far she has lost 22 lbs. I was explaining to her how I'm going about losing weight and she was explaining to me what she was doing. Out of the blue she popped the question.....how about a weight loss challenge? At first I wasn't sure because I'm trying to take a more laid back approach to my weight loss this time and not put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. She told me to just think about it and let her know. Well I thought about and decided why not? We agreed there should be a prize at the end but we weren't sure what. I suggested a gift card of the winners choosing but what amount?....we both agreed on $25.00. The only terms to our challenge is that it runs from November 1st to January 1st and the person who loses the most weight wins. Luckily we are only 9 lbs different in weight so we don't have to worry about figuring percentages or anything like that.....just plain and simple.....pounds lost. I'm so excited about having this new motivation to keep me going and trying harder. So what do you think?.....do challenges motivate you more or stress you out to the point of giving up? Should we weigh in each week or wait until the end and weigh in? I see benefits from both ways .....not knowing how much she has lost will push me to work harder and eat better, but knowing she has lost more could make me give up. We have decided to wait until the end.....so I guess we will find out in two months. Let the challenge begin!

Hope for the Future

Each day that passes and I stay on track I have hope for my future.  Hope that I will overcome my bulimia and hope that I will lose weight and get healthy.  Hope can be a very powerful tool is you use it right.  I imagine my life once I'm at goal, how happy and more comfortable with myself I will be.  I think of how much more energy I will have and what I will be able to accomplish with the new self esteem I will have.  My life can only improve from this point forward if I just stay on track and keep the hope.

I can tell that my manic episode from yesterday has worn off because I'm exhausted today.  Its tiring going to school all day and then coming home, cleaning, cooking and running errands but I'm happy that I am staying busy now.  I think that has helped alot with my eating.  I hope everyone in bloggerlands having a great day and keep fighting the fight.

Sticking With It

Well I've made it 6 days without binging or purging and it feels so good to be in control.  Its been a rough week though between the stress of starting school, being bored and stress in my personal life but I'm hanging in there.  I'm staying ahead in my school work, getting the house clean and making out schedules to keep me on track with everything.  The bad thing is I go through this pretty regularly and it never lasts long but I'm going to try to keep it going this time.  I love having routine in my life and knowing what I'm expected to do from day to day.  I've even started to get help from the kids around the house without an argument which is really nice. 

What I don't understand is why if this feeling is so good why do I switch back to my old self?  Is it laziness or do I really have some kind of issue with sticking with things or maybe a combination of both?  Do you find this pattern in your life?  How do you stay on top of things and not become overwhelmed?

Time to get serious

Over the last month I've really lost sight of what I'm trying to accomplish by losing weight and exercising.  I just haven't been very focused on anything lately and that definitely needs to change.  I'm still losing weight but I'm not doing it in a healthy way and eventually its going to catch up with me.  I'm so proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far and I don't want to start going backwards.  Its time for me to get serious about my weight loss again. 

This past Monday was my last day of school for the semester and I don't go back until January 6, 2011.  When I return to school I really want people to notice a difference in me.  That might sound selfish but its nice to have your hardwork be recognized.  That means I have 22 days to work as hard as I can before I have to return to school.  I think it helps me to break my goals down into smaller challenges like this.  It gives me something to work towards.
I'm still working on my New Years goals right now.  I have 22 miles to walk before January 1, 2011 to hit my 160 miles walked goal.  I'm also working on weighing what I did a year ago by hitting 205 lbs, right now I have about 7 lbs to go to hit that goal.  I would love to hit 40 lbs lost by New Years so thats what I'm aiming for.  One of my Hot 100 challenge goals is to make it through the holidays without overeating and I'm not really concerned about that.  I have my sons birthday party this weekend and then Christmas but I think I will be fine at both of these events.  I'm still working on drinking all my water which is something I really need to focus on, also I need to get away from the fast food which I've been eating alot of lately.  I also need to lay off the sugar and carbs and get back to more fruits and veggies.  So I know what I need to do to succeed I just need to put my mind to it.  I know I can do this, I have no doubts in myself its just a matter of doing it. 
I am going to the YMCA today and getting my free membership because I'm tired of using the cold weather as an excuse for not exercising.  I was working to hard and seeing my work pay off to stop exercising now.  We only have 16 days left in this year and when January 1, 2011 gets here I want to know that I did everything possible to be at the lowest weight I could be by that date.  I want to start this New Years off right.  I've set alot of goals for myself I know but I know I can do it.  Goals are what keep me on track and give me something to strive for. 
I hope all of you are going to make these last 16 days in this year the best so far.  Your support has kept me going and I will always appreciate that.  I have gotten off track with my blogging and weight loss but I think I'm back in the right frame of mind to do what I need to do now.  I'm going to spend today visiting blogs and getting motivation from each and everyone of you.  Thanks for all your comments and support.

Losing my Fire

I got this wonderful comment from Shane G. at http://losingitforthefamily.blogspot.com/ and I thought I would share it with everyone.

"Christina, I can't help but notice you seem to have lost a little fire, and that is understandable considering your recent changes in life. I just worry about you. I would very much like to see you do something. Take this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and focus on your diet and exercise to the point that it takes over your life. Get double workouts in, really focus on good eating, and see if being OCD on those aspects of your life may help you get through this rough time. I also would like to suggest that your walks be nothing less than a time for introspection. I love my Saturday morning 5 mile walks cause they typically help me sort through my junk. It is all I think about while I walk on Saturday morning is what is bothering me right now, how can I fix it, and what can I do nothing about. I either form plans or come to terms with all my junk on those days and it helps to get the "clutter" out once a week. Just a suggestion."

Shane is absolutely right I have lost some of my fire.  I'm not really sure why, maybe its my husband leaving or maybe its just having my routine turned upside down but I just can't seem to get back into my groove.  I'm still exercising and trying to eat right but I'm slipping alittle and I don't want that little to turn into alot.  I had already decided last night that I was getting back on tracking starting today and so far I'm doing really good.  I went out last night and got some ziploc bags so I could measure out my portions of bran cereal I eat in the morning.  It seems lately that my serving sizes are getting bigger and bigger and thats not going to help me lose weight.  I also made a workout schedule so I could hold myself accountable on days when I want to be lazy.  I went and bought some Vitamin D today in the hopes that it will help on the days where I'm just really depressed and don't want to do anything. A few days ago I made a trip to the library and got some books to read and this is really helping with my boredom in the evening.  I also pampered myself alittle last night with a long bath, facial and lotion.  I'm not giving up on my weight loss no matter what else is going on in my life because I have come to far to go back now. 

I just want to say thanks to Shane and everyone else who leaves me comments on my blog.  Your support and encouragement is what keeps me going.  I know if I didn't have this blog I would have given up along time ago but knowing that everyone is rooting for me and checking on my progress motivates me because I don't want to let any of you down.  I may be having a hard time focusing on my weight loss right now but I'm going to push through this road block and get back on course.  There is no better time then right now to start because I definitely don't want to gain any weight back.  Its just discouraging sometimes when you don't see the scale moving like you want it to but I have to remember its not just about the number on the scale.  I've already had to put away 4 pairs of pants that are to big for me now and I have some others that are almost there.  I see changes in my body and I need to remember those are the things I'm working hard for not just the number on the scale to go down.

I'm going to take your advice Shane and really focus on my eating and exercise this weekend and show myself what I'm made of.  I'm going to figure out what I can do to fix the things I can and let go of the things I can't.  I have plenty of time to take care of everyone else and I need to make sure I make time to take care of myself to.  I'm going to strive to make this next week the best I've had so far.  I need to be strong because with the holidays coming up this is already a tough time a year.  I can do this I know I can.

Change your thinking

I don't know about anyone else but alot of losing weight for me has been about changing my thought patterns.  I have to be able to believe that I can do this and not let my mind rule my body.  I have to let go of the past and all my failures with weight loss, otherwise I just set myself up for another failure.  I have to stop the negative thinking and replace those with positive thoughts.  This isn't something that has occurred overnight and its still an ongoing process. 

Just this morning I blogged about how discouraging weight loss can be because its seems to take forever.  Of course its easier to just sit and stuff my face and gain weight but is that the life I want to live....definitely not.  Noone ever said weight loss was going to be easy and yes I whine and complain about not being able to eat whatever I want and about having to exercise everyday but in the long run I know this is whats best for me.

I have had to overcome emotionally eating, from eating when I'm happy to celebrate to eating when I'm sad to make the pain go away.  I use to run to food when someone made me mad, thinking in my twisted mind that I was somehow punishing them for hurting me when the only person I was really punishing was myself.  Now when someone hurts me I use that hurt as my strength, I refuse to let that person win twice.  I turn to exercise to get out my frustrations.  I use to think of exercise as torture but now I see it as my time, time to meditate, calm down and think things out. 

I use to think of food as a reward.  If I had a hard day then I believed going out to dinner was a way of rewarding myself but not anymore.  My reward now for a hard day is to get me time to exercise.  I use to think of food as the center of my life, always thinking what my next meal was going to be.  Now food is secondary in my life, its what I need to keep my body energized and healthy.  I can do without the chocolate cake, cookies and ice cream, I don't need those things to survive and if I have a craving I can satisfy it with one bite not the whole cake, box of cookies or container of ice cream.

This time of the year is the worst for most people because of so many celebrations which usually include food.  Yes I worry that I'm not going to have the willpower to resist all the goodies but so far I have been very successfully at events like this.  The trick is to plan ahead and know that you don't have to eat to have fun.  I went to my nephews birthday party last weekend and I knew what I was going to eat ahead of time and thats what I had.  I also spent my time taking pictures, riding horses and other fun stuff going on at the party.  Enjoy the people you are spending time with instead of focusing on the food.  Tell yourself you can do it. 

I don't have very much support from anyone around me so I'm pretty much in this weight loss journey by myself.  Normally this would mean failure for me because I'm very codependent but not this time.  Noone can lose this weight for me and I don't need anyone elses approval, I'm doing this for me.  The people that are negative about my weight loss have no idea that their negativity is my greatest strength.  I have found a way to turn their negativity around and use it as one of my greatest motivations.

If you tell yourself your going to fail then thats exactly what you are going to do.  Change your negatives into positives and even if it doesn't seem to make any difference at first just keep telling yourself the same thing over and over again eventually you will change your thinking to.  Everything we have learned is about habit.  If you can learn the bad habit of overeating then you can relearn the good habit of healthy eating, it just takes time.

What is different?

This morning started with my husband going out to pick up breakfast for the family.  He had asked me last night before we went to sleep if I wanted him to go get breakfast for everyone and I said that was fine but I didn't want anything.  Well this morning he started being a food pusher again asking me why I didn't want anything....did I think I was to good to eat food like that....that I had the rest of the day to work it off.  I said no I just wanted to eat the healthy breakfast that I had planned to eat and no it wasn't that I thought I was to good its just that eating that kind of food makes me feel bad.  If that wasn't enough to make me cave into eating everything in sight then my kids have been so out of control today.  Sometimes I think having 3 sons is going to drive me crazy.  I have tried every discipline method there is and nothing seems to work.  I know alot of you are parents what works for you?  I just get so tired to listening to all the whining and fighting. 

Between living with a food pusher and feeling like I'm living in a war zone I'm stressed to the max.  The reason I put the title "What is different?" is because thats what I'm wondering what is different this time? Before I started this weight loss journey a day like this would have had me eating everything I could get my hands on to sooth my stress.  Have I learned to deal with these situations?  Have I learned to face my emotions and not bury them with food?  Have a I got to a point where I just can't take being fat anymore?  Could it be the medicine I'm on?  Why do I want to know what is different?  Because I want to make sure I never lose the willpower, motivation, determination or just personal growth that is keeping me going.

I am going to lose the weight this time I have no doubt about that but when you change so drastically over such a short period of time you have to wonder if that change is permanent.  I guess only I can decide that though.  Maybe its the willpower that I gain from other people's negativity.  Maybe its my determination to change my life and make my familes life better.  Maybe its the motivation to be healthy and happy finally.  Or maybe its just my own personal growth to face my fears and overcome the things I have allowed to hold me back.  Whatever it is I'm thankful that I've finally found what it takes to succeed.

Taking Control and Refocusing

I wrote a post earlier today about recommitting myself to my weight loss goals and I am determined to do that, but I also need to take control of my life and refocus on the things that are important. 

Just so you understand what I'm talking about here is alittle background information on myself.  I have a very specific pattern in my life and its like clockwork.  I find something that I really want to do and I get all gung ho and take on the challenge full force but that momentum only lasts so long and then I crash.  I do this with house cleaning....with dieting.....with craft projects....with pretty much everything.  I feel like if I'm not doing everything perfectly then I'm failing.  Of course its nice to always try to do your best but for example in school if I make anything less than a 100 then I feel like I'm failing myself. 

Right now I'm in the downward cycle of this pattern.  I'm not making out my lists like I use to which always motivated me to get things done.  I'm not thinking out my eating or planning ahead, I'm just eating what is available.  I haven't worked on my scrapbooks in probably a year and this is something I use to love to do.  I'm procrastinating with alot of things and just being plain lazy.  Now when I come out of this cycle I will be like a crazy woman trying to fix all the damage I have done and accomplish everything I have let pile up.  I do recognize that this isn't a healthy pattern and its definitely something I need to work on.

I recommited myself to my weight loss journey this morning and I want to do the same thing with other things in my life.  I need to take a healthy approach to these things though.  I still think lists are my best tool and give me a starting point so when I get back from walking in a few minutes I'm going to make out a list of all the things I would like to accomplish around my home, in school, with my weight loss, with my kids and with life in general.  This sounds like alot and it may take me some time to do but it will be worth so I can start working towards all my goals.  I have to find ways to get myself out of this destructive pattern I live in instead of waiting for it to cycle through.

Does anyone else feel like they go through these patterns?  Do you go from 100% motivated to completely not caring?  What do you do to get yourself out of this pit?

Hope

When I first met my husband I was about 160 lbs and he probably weighed just alittle bit more than that.  Well as everyone knows once you get settled in a relationship you start putting on weight.  I gained over 80 lbs since we have been together.  Now my husband says it doesn't bother him but it bothers me.  It effects every aspect of our life.  Where we go, what we do and even our sex life.  Its hard to be completely comfortable with someone when you aren't even comfortable with yourself.  I feel embarassed for my husband when we are out together because I believe people are looking at us and saying what is he doing with her?  And I also feel that even though my husband says my weight doesn't matter to him he has to be embarassed of me on some level.  Do any of you have these same feelings and thoughts?

This brings me to the point of this post.  Over the last year or so my husband has put on quite a few pounds.  He use to weigh around 170 or alittle higher but now he weighs 205 lbs.  We were talking earlier and I told him I couldn't wait until I can officially say that I weigh less than him.  I still have about 23 lbs or so before I can say that but at least I'm getting closer each day.  I look forward to standing beside my husband and feeling like we look like a normal couple.  I want to feel like my husband is proud to have me as his wife.  I'm just sick of being ashamed and embarassed, for myself, my husband and my kids.

I have so much hope for my future now.  I'm going to be healthy and strong and I'm going to gain confidence and self esteem that I haven't had for a very long time.  I'm learning to believe in myself and live life instead of hiding from it.  There is not a food in this world that is worth losing what I'm gaining right now.

A kick in the butt

Earlier on my Food and Exercise Journal post I put that it was raining here and I hate walking on the treadmill so I was going to skip exercising today.  Well I was gone for awhile and when I came back online this was the comment I had:

"For us to suceed we must do things we dont always want to do. So get on the tread and get moving, you know you want to, you know its what you should do. I am just here to help and I wish someone would tell me what I need to hear more often. So I am telling you and I will also get my butt moving today just for you."

This comment came from Becki at  http://becki-myweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/ and this was the very first time that she had ever commented on my blog.  I immediately thanked her for leaving this comment and for giving me the kick in the butt I needed to get moving.  Lucky for me the rain had decided to take a break and I got ready and tackled my walk around the neighborhood.  At first I thought ok I can do 3 laps which would be 2.1 miles but then I wanted to go for more so I decided to go for 4 laps but still that wasn't good enough so I pushed myself to do 6 laps which was 4 miles.  When I got home I sent Becki a message thanking her again and dedicating those 4 miles to her. 


I know that I can't always depend on someone else to give me that extra push and most of the time I can find in within myself but not today.  I could have walked on the treadmill but I took the rain as an excuse to get out of exercising and Becki saw right through my excuse.  This is the wonderful weight loss community I have found that reaches out and gives support, encouragement and even a little nudge if need be to keep each other going.  Thanks to a stranger and hopefully a friend now I finished 4 miles toward my New Years goal that I wouldn't have done otherwise.  What a great feeling to know I have people rooting me on, I won't fail you.

Inspirational Weight Loss Quotes

I thought I would just list some motivational quotes that may help some of us get through the rough times. 

David Viscott
You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be.

Eleanor Roosevelt
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Ralph Marston
Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

George S. Patton
You're never beaten until you admit it.

Lee Iacocca
You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it badly enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.

Unknown Author
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Vince Lombardi
It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up.
 
Thomas A. Edison
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Thomas Jefferson
The sovereign invigorator of the body is exercise, and of all the exercises walking is the best.

Carl Sandburg
The time for action is now. It's never too late to do something.

Harriet Beecher Stowe
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Plato
The first and the best victory is to conquer self.

Vincent Lombardi
The good Lord gave you a body that can stand most anything. It's your mind you have to convince.
 
Winston Churchill
Never, never, never, never give up.

Staying Motivated

One of the hardiest things is staying motivated, especially when you don't see the weight coming off. So many times I have heard its more than what you see on the scale and this is true, but it sure is nice to see those numbers go down. I'm trying to approach this weight loss journey with a different point of view. Forget the scales, just focus on how I feel about myself, how my clothes fit and whether other people notice a difference in me. I'm still going to weigh but only once a week so I don't let the scale rule me. My biggest tool in staying motivated is this website, it gives me a sense of having to answer to someone which I like doing. I don't want to disappoint myself or the people who will read this blog. Having a sense of accountability makes you more motivated, you want to be the one that succeeds. I've changed alot in the last year and I'm trying to take on a more positive approach to live and you know what it's working. I really believe I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I have recently enrolled in college and I just finished my first semester and I discovered I like school and I like learning so maybe I can take that same concept into losing weight. There are so many weight loss blogs out there and people just like me trying to lose weight and take their live back and I can learn from these people and maybe just maybe I can help someone along the way.