Eating on Day 4

Well I spent my first day at school and tried not to eat.  This is what I had today.

Breakfast:1 cup
2 waffles with agave syrup

Snack:
1 cup of yogurt with strawberries and granola

Lunch:
1 pack of cheese crackers
1 small pack of peanuts

Dinner:
1 cup pasta salad

Snack:
1 bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
3 oreos

I'll probably have a snack in alittle while because I'm still hungry and really haven't eaten that much today.

School Starting

Well I start back to school tomorrow and I'm so excited.  I've been stuck in this house all summer, eating and putting on weight.  I'm hoping going back to school will help with my weight loss.  I will be out of the house 4 days a week which means away from food.  I will still have to avoid the temptation of vending machines, school cafeteria and going out to eat with friends but I'm going to try my best.  I plan on eating breakfast before I leave in the morning, carrying bottles of water with me and some healthy food to snack on and then eating dinner when I get home.  That still leaves me with the evenings that I always dread and the food demons come out but maybe I will have homework to take up that time, plus I need to start incorporating exercise soon.

My counseling sessions have been moved to Friday mornings so hopefully the motivation she gives me will last me through the weekend until I can get back to school.  I've mentioned this quite a few times before but I have alittle over 9 months before I graduate college and I do not want to walk across the stage looking like I do now.   I have to get on the ball if I want to get this weight off.  Honestly I would be happy if I could graduate at 160 lbs which still isn't my goal weight but its what I would be comfortable at.  I don't want to set such a high goal that I can't make it happen.  Shoot right now I would just be happy being under 200 lbs. 

But for now I don't want to think of the long term.  My goal for this week is to just lose 1 lb.  Now who can't lose 1 lb?  I read an article one day that said to make sure you set small goals that you can make happen and before you know it they will add up to your big goal.  I know without a doubt that I can lose 1 lb this week so anything over that is just extra.  I do have to start exercising soon though which will help get my blood pressure down plus all the extra benefits of losing weight and making my body stronger. 

My official weight that I'm starting this journey off on this time is 246 lbs and I will be weighing in on Fridays.  Just wanted to put that out there so I have that accountability.  So far I think I'm doing really well.  I may not be eating the healthiest foods in the world but I'm watching my portions and I'm going to start incorporating more health foods as soon as I can make it to the grocery store and stock up.  The kids start to school next week so that will help because I won't have to be cooking for them 3 times a day.....yay.  I can concentrate more on eating the right foods instead of what they are yelling for.  I have alot of changes happening over the next couple weeks and I'm looking at all of them in a positive light.  Can't wait to weigh in Friday and see how I'm doing.  Good luck to everyone out there in bloggerland.  Hope your eating and exercise is on track and if not remember today is a new day.

Eating on Day 3

I've kept pretty busy today so I haven't eaten to much.  Here's what I've had.

Breakfast:
Bran cereal with skim milk and a banana
1 cup orange juice

Lunch:
Banana sandwich

Dinner:
Small bowl of beef stroganoff


Snack:
1 peppermint patty
Now that I look at it I haven't eaten much today and I feel great not having that stuffed feeling like I always did before.  Just have to keep watching the portion sizes.

Why am I Afraid to Lose Weight?

Have you ever wondered if you are just afraid to lose weight and if so what would be the reason behind it?  I've talked to my counselor many times about this but we haven't figured out my reason yet.  What am I hiding from under all this fat....myself or others?  Maybe its just pure laziness keeping me from losing the weight or maybe I just don't want it bad enough, but how can that be when I spend so much of my life focused on losing weight?  So many questions run through my mind.  Do I like being fat....Hell No.   Do I like people looking at me like I have some kind of disease or something....No Way.  Do I want to change....Without a Doubt. 

So what is it going to take for me to lose weight?  My health is on the line now so is that going to be a big enough motivator?  I don't know because it hasn't been a big enough motivator to stop my bulimia.  How do I find the strength to do what I know needs to be done?  In my brain its so easy just eat right and exercise, so how do I make myself do that?

If anyone has answers to any of my questions please let me know.   Are you afraid of losing weight and if so what are you hiding from?  What did it take for you to change and lose weight?  I would love to hear other peoples stories.

Eating on Day 2

My eating for Day 2 hasn't been to bad but I know I need to pick healthier choices.  Right now though I'm just trying to watch my portion sizes.  Here's what I had to eat:

Breakfast:
Bowl of bran cereal with skim milk and 1 banana
1 thin slice of livermush
1 cup orange juice

Lunch:
Turkey and cheese sandwich
Banana

Dinner:
12 chicken nuggets with honey

Snack:
1 cup vanilla pudding
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich


Compared to how much I've been eating this is a big improvement.  I am going to start working on what I eat very soon though.  I need to include more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods. 

When Night Falls

I don't know about all of you but when night falls around here thats when all the food demons come out.  I'm bored, I'm lonely and all I want to do is eat.  During the day I can stay busy cleaning and running errands but then by the evening I'm out of things to do.  There is always watching tv or reading or some other hobby you might have but when the food demons come out you forget all those things.  I'm looking at the clock right now and thinking about how much longer I have to make it until bedtime and boy does it seem like a long time.  And just as I was typing that sentence my son is shoving ice cream in my face begging me to finish eating it....lol....I said no though. 

Why is it that we have programmed our brains to believe food is a source of entertainment, a best friend, a hobby and a cure all for every emotion we have?  Food is here to sustain our lives, thats it.  Why is it when I'm bored I don't think of calling up a friend or God forbid exercising, no I run to the fridge to see what there is to munch on.  Well I'm off to slay my demons and hopefully make it until bedtime without eating anything else.  Good luck to all of you.

My First Day Back

Well my first day back has been pretty good so far but then again the evening is always the hardest for me.  Here is what I've had to eat.

Breakfast:
1 cup orange juice
1 blueberry pancake with syrup

Lunch:
Turkey and cheese sandwich
1 banana

Dinner:
1 small serving lasagna
2 slices garlic cheese bread

Snack:
1 banana
1 cup jello
1 small piece blueberry cake
Now this may not look like the healthiest things to eat but compared to how much I've been eating I'm proud of myself today.  I'm still trying to talk myself into exercising so we will see what happens with that.

Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor. 

Checking In

I know its been awhile so I thought it was time to check in.  Things have been going really good.  The bulimia is under control and I'm working on eating healthier and I have lost a few pounds.  I'm trying to just do each day alittle bit better than the last.  A few new things I'm doing is I took my home scale to my counselors office so I can't weigh each day and let me tell you I'm going through withdrawals.  Every morning I wake up wanting to jump on the scale and then remember its not here.  So I won't find out how much I've lost this last week until tomorrow.  Another thing I've done is made a vision board.  For those who don't know what that is you take what you want, such as losing weight and you put things that symbolize that on a piece of posterboard or whatever you want to use and you hang it up where you can see it all the time.  Mine is hanging right beside my bed so I can see it every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up and it helps to have that visual stimulation in front of you.  I haven't started my exercise back yet but it is something I will eventually add.  I'm trying to work on the all or nothing thinking I have and this sense of perfection that I must do everything perfect or I've blown the whole day.  Each day is a chance to do better than the last.  Hope everything is going well for all of you and I will be checking back in as I make progress.

Weigh In

Today was my weigh in and drumroll please.................I lost 9 lbs my first week.  I started at 241.8 lbs and I'm now 232.8 lbs.  I know most of that is probably water weight but I don't care I worked hard to get that nine pounds off.  The last couple days I have been slipping alittle on my eating but I didn't let that stop me from exercising.  I will get back on track and keep losing.  Now on to week 2.

Day 7 an Rockin It

Its day 7 and I'm rockin it.  Ate great and walked 2 miles.  I know my posts have been really short but there really isn't much to say.  I'm just trying to set up a routine and stick to it.  My good eating habits are coming pretty easily because I'm staying really busy which helps me not focus on food so much.  The exercise is a little tougher but I'm making myself do it.  I have alot of motivation to lose this weight among which are being healthier but more importantly I graduate college in about 11 months and when I walk across that stage I want to be the new me.  Three more days and I weigh in but as of right now I'm down 7 lbs.

Still Going Strong- Day 6

Its day 6 and I'm still going strong, eating right and exercising.  I walked 1.5 miles and did a 100 crunches.  I plan on weighing in Friday and I'm hoping for a great weight loss.

Got My Mojo Back

Another great day of eating and exercise.  I walked 3 miles and did 100 crunches.  I got my mojo back I just hope it lasts this time.

On A Roll

Another great day of eating and exercise.  I went to our local festival again today and probably walked 2 miles then this evening I walked another 2 miles.  I'm just going to keep on with this routine.  Thanks for all your support.

Another Great Day

I had another great day yesterday.  I started the morning by walking 1.5 miles then I cleaned house and ran errands.  My eating was really good and I ended the day by attending a local festival here to take pictures and probably walked at least 3 miles.  When I stepped on the scale last night I was down 6 lbs which I know is water weight but I'll take it.

I DID IT!!!!!

I EXERCISED.....I walked 2 miles today and I ate right.  I'm just so proud of myself.

Day 4 and Still Going Strong

Today is day four of my new weight loss journey and I am still going strong.  It's so weird because its almost like I get into the bad eating patterns and once I can break it for just one day its easy to eat right again. I'm enjoying the healthy food I'm eating and I'm actually getting to eat more times a day then if I was eating unhealthy.  When I eat unhealthy I binge one or two times a day and feel miserable.  The way I'm eating now I eat 3 small meals and 2 snacks and I never feel that awful bloated feeling.  And with just four days of healthy eating I've already dropped 9.4 lbs which I know is probably all water weight but hey I'll take whatever I can get.  I still haven't started exercising yet but I'll get there and I'm not going to tear myself down and make myself feel quilty for not doing it.  I'm just doing my best each and everyday and its paying off.

Slow and Steady

Today has been pretty hard.  My eating has been good but I can't say I haven't been tempted.  I have a half gallon of banana split ice cream in my freezer and thats been calling my name.  I also had to run some errands and I was so tempted to stop by a fastfood restaurant and get something to eat.  So far I have avoided both of these temptations because I know if I eat it then I'm going to have an episode of bulimia and I don't want that.  I'm just taking things slow and steady and trying to focus on how my body is feeling now that I don't feel bloated and stuffed from eating to much.  Here is what I've eaten so far:

Breakfast- 1 1/2 cups bran cereal with raisins and  1 cup skim milk

Snack- 1 cup of yogurt

Lunch- turkey and cheese sandwich and an apple

Snack- 1cup of jello

For dinner I'm having salmon, green beans, rice and broccoli

I haven't done any exercise so far today but I may start off slowly by doing my weight lifting later and some crunches.

Updated and Ready to Go

I finally updated my blog with all my new weights and goals and its time to make them a reality now.  There has been alot of stuff going on in my life and its still going on and I have put myself on the backburner for to long.  I have allowed stress to rule my life and as you can tell by my weight gain that meant more eating.  This next year is so important to me.  Next year at this time I graduate from college and when I do I want to be at goal or at least close to goal.  My weight is standing in my way in so many ways.  My self confidence is shot, my self esteem is nonexistant and well I'm suffereing from depression.  My bulimia is still pretty much controlling my life but I'm battling it everyday.  Its just time for me to pull myself out of this blackhole I'm in.  Its lonely, depressing and sometimes I think totally insane to be this way.  I know I want to lose weight, I know I need to lose weight and I know the bulimia is absolutely not helping me to do this so why do I continue to repeat the same steps that aren't working?  Now you see why I think its total insanity.  How can I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and still not be able to accomplish it?  Is it putting so much focus on every bite of food I eat that is making food so irresitable?  I don't even like eating anymore, how can you enjoy something that brings you so much pain and unhappiness, you can't.  I'm hoping that starting my blogging back and getting support from everyone on here will help me to find the strength that I'm lacking right now.  I need this victory in my life, I need to take my power back and I need to be the best I know I can be.  Please God give me the strength to conquer this demon.

I'm Back

Hi everyone I know its been awhile but hopefully I'm back for good now.  I have gained some of my weight back and I will be updating all that later but for now just know I'm trying to eat right and get back to my exercising.  I just passed my first test for the day, a friend wanted me to go out to eat with her and I was so close to going but I ended up just telling her that I was trying to get back on track with my eating and I couldn't go.  I hate telling people no but for my own health I had to.  I'll be posting my food journal and exercise journal later on today and hopefully it will be something I can be proud of.  It feels good to be back where I belong.  Good luck to everyone out there that is struggling with this same battle.

Update:  My eating was pretty good today but I'm going to do better tomorrow.  I didn't exercise today but I did stay pretty busy all day.  Hopefully I will get in some exercise tomorrow.