Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I finally updated my blog with all my new weights and goals and its time to make them a reality now. There has been alot of stuff going on in my life and its still going on and I have put myself on the backburner for to long. I have allowed stress to rule my life and as you can tell by my weight gain that meant more eating. This next year is so important to me. Next year at this time I graduate from college and when I do I want to be at goal or at least close to goal. My weight is standing in my way in so many ways. My self confidence is shot, my self esteem is nonexistant and well I'm suffereing from depression. My bulimia is still pretty much controlling my life but I'm battling it everyday. Its just time for me to pull myself out of this blackhole I'm in. Its lonely, depressing and sometimes I think totally insane to be this way. I know I want to lose weight, I know I need to lose weight and I know the bulimia is absolutely not helping me to do this so why do I continue to repeat the same steps that aren't working? Now you see why I think its total insanity. How can I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and still not be able to accomplish it? Is it putting so much focus on every bite of food I eat that is making food so irresitable? I don't even like eating anymore, how can you enjoy something that brings you so much pain and unhappiness, you can't. I'm hoping that starting my blogging back and getting support from everyone on here will help me to find the strength that I'm lacking right now. I need this victory in my life, I need to take my power back and I need to be the best I know I can be. Please God give me the strength to conquer this demon.