Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor. 

Checking In

I know its been awhile so I thought it was time to check in.  Things have been going really good.  The bulimia is under control and I'm working on eating healthier and I have lost a few pounds.  I'm trying to just do each day alittle bit better than the last.  A few new things I'm doing is I took my home scale to my counselors office so I can't weigh each day and let me tell you I'm going through withdrawals.  Every morning I wake up wanting to jump on the scale and then remember its not here.  So I won't find out how much I've lost this last week until tomorrow.  Another thing I've done is made a vision board.  For those who don't know what that is you take what you want, such as losing weight and you put things that symbolize that on a piece of posterboard or whatever you want to use and you hang it up where you can see it all the time.  Mine is hanging right beside my bed so I can see it every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up and it helps to have that visual stimulation in front of you.  I haven't started my exercise back yet but it is something I will eventually add.  I'm trying to work on the all or nothing thinking I have and this sense of perfection that I must do everything perfect or I've blown the whole day.  Each day is a chance to do better than the last.  Hope everything is going well for all of you and I will be checking back in as I make progress.

Updated and Ready to Go

I finally updated my blog with all my new weights and goals and its time to make them a reality now.  There has been alot of stuff going on in my life and its still going on and I have put myself on the backburner for to long.  I have allowed stress to rule my life and as you can tell by my weight gain that meant more eating.  This next year is so important to me.  Next year at this time I graduate from college and when I do I want to be at goal or at least close to goal.  My weight is standing in my way in so many ways.  My self confidence is shot, my self esteem is nonexistant and well I'm suffereing from depression.  My bulimia is still pretty much controlling my life but I'm battling it everyday.  Its just time for me to pull myself out of this blackhole I'm in.  Its lonely, depressing and sometimes I think totally insane to be this way.  I know I want to lose weight, I know I need to lose weight and I know the bulimia is absolutely not helping me to do this so why do I continue to repeat the same steps that aren't working?  Now you see why I think its total insanity.  How can I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and still not be able to accomplish it?  Is it putting so much focus on every bite of food I eat that is making food so irresitable?  I don't even like eating anymore, how can you enjoy something that brings you so much pain and unhappiness, you can't.  I'm hoping that starting my blogging back and getting support from everyone on here will help me to find the strength that I'm lacking right now.  I need this victory in my life, I need to take my power back and I need to be the best I know I can be.  Please God give me the strength to conquer this demon.

I'm Back

Hi everyone I know its been awhile but hopefully I'm back for good now.  I have gained some of my weight back and I will be updating all that later but for now just know I'm trying to eat right and get back to my exercising.  I just passed my first test for the day, a friend wanted me to go out to eat with her and I was so close to going but I ended up just telling her that I was trying to get back on track with my eating and I couldn't go.  I hate telling people no but for my own health I had to.  I'll be posting my food journal and exercise journal later on today and hopefully it will be something I can be proud of.  It feels good to be back where I belong.  Good luck to everyone out there that is struggling with this same battle.

Update:  My eating was pretty good today but I'm going to do better tomorrow.  I didn't exercise today but I did stay pretty busy all day.  Hopefully I will get in some exercise tomorrow.

Still Around

Just wanted to let you know I"m still around just kind of got some serious stuff going on right now that I need to focus on first.  I'm still trying to watch what I eat but the exercise for the time being is put on hold.  I don't know how any of the rest of you are but when I have something serious going on thats about all I can handle.  My mom has always said I can only deal with one thing at a time and she's right.  I'm working on that though.  Today I tackled my housework, schoolwork and prepared for 2 shoots I have for the newspaper in the next couple days.  I have alot going on right now and even though I shouldn't put myself on the backburner I need to for now.

I'll Start Tomorrow

How many times have I said those very words to myself, "I'll Start Tomorrow"?  Here it is almost 3 months later and tomorrow has never came.  Where's my motivation, where's my determination, where's my desire to lose weight?  I wish I knew because apparently losing weight isn't that important to me, if it was wouldn't I be doing everything I could to lose?  I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the eating, I'm fed up with the binging and purging and the feeling guilty that comes along with that and I'm fed up with lieing to myself each and everyday.  I've made commitments to myself and to all of you and I've failed each and every time.  Why do I put myself through this?  Just stop overeating, get my lazy ass outside and walk and quit making excuses for not doing what I promise myself.  I'm sick of being fat, sick of being tired, sick of being lazy and sick of whining about things that I can change if I just stick to what works.  I need to face it tomorrow will never come, thats just a fairytale I tell myself to be able to eat badly for just one more day.  All I really have is right now, I need to stop worrying about what I will eat or do tomorrow and start worrying about what I'm eating and doing right now.  Life is to short and I've already wasted 37 years do I really want to waste another 37?  Right now is the time to get my life together and make the most of what I have.  I graduate in a year and when I walk across that stage its not just about getting my diploma its about becoming a new person.  I want that to include my outward person just as much as my inward person.  Like the saying goes "Just Do It".

Up late, can't sleep

I didn't officially weigh in this week because I didn't want to acknowledge my gain, but I have gained a couple pounds.  Oh well life goes on and all I can do is try to do better this next week.  I already have my breakfast planned out in the morning so that I can start my day off right.  I know I've been off the bandwagon for awhile but I truly do want to change that.  I can tell a difference in how my clothes are fitting and I can tell a big difference in how I feel about myself.  Its a slipper slope back into depression at this point if I don't get that scale going the other way.  All I can say is enough words and more action.

I do have some good news though.  I went for an interview for an internship for my local paper and I got it.  I was sent on my first assignment yesterday and the picture I took was published in the newspaper today.  I'm hoping that on top of going to school, doing schoolwork, taking care of my home and kids and now interning for the newspaper that will keep me busy enough to stay away from the food.

I also went out today and bought me a new computer, an external flash for my camera, a tripod, Photoshop CS5 and Lightroom 3 so I will be having fun learning how to use all this new equipment.  So everything in my life is going good right now except for my eating and only one person can change that and thats me.  I got to find the inner strength and motivation to get back on track and stop letting food control my life.

Still Kicking

I know I haven't posted in a few days but things are going good.  I haven't been eating as much and the bulimia has almost subsided altogether so I'm just trying to stay focused on the positive things in my life.  Met a new guy and he has totally swept me off my feet.  Having things in my life that make me happy and keep my priorities straight really does help with me being successful at my weight loss.  Sorry for the short update but not much to report except I'm still kicking.

Fallen Off the Wagon

As some as you may have noticed I've not been posting like I use to.  Well there is a good reason for that I've totally fallen off the wagon.  My mojo is gone, my motivation is nonexistent and my determination has disappeared into thin air.  Am I giving up?.....NO....but I'm struggling bad.  My bulimia has flashed its ugly head so on top of gaining weight I'm struggling not to get back into that destructive pattern.  I'm feeling miserable for what I've been eating and even worse for not having exercised for the last week. 

Sometime ago someone suggested a new eating program called The Eating Clean Diet and I've been researching this alot for the last few days. The premise behind this program as I understand is to eat foods in their most natural states, avoiding anything overly processed.  I'm hoping by focusing on a new eating program and putting my energy into that I can get back on track. 

I've also decided to go off the new medicine that my doctor put me on because honestly I think its doing more damage than good.  Its been along time since I've given into my urges to binge and purge but since going on this medicine I don't seem to have any control over it.  It seems to be giving me this sense of just not caring.  I need to take control of my life again and this is one of the first steps I'm taking.

I know that I've gotten so much support from all of you'll and I'm sorry if I have let you down but I promise I'm doing everything I can to get back on track.  It sure was taking me along time to lose the weight but its not taking that long to put it back on so I want to put a stop to it before I gain to much back. 

Winter isn't a big help right now either.  I'm snowed in so its hard to walk outside with it being so cold and I can't get out to make it to the gym.  I was so looking forward to starting school back to get some kind of distraction in my life and now school is being called off because of the snow.  I'll just continue to hold on as long as I can and make steps to get back to where I need to be thats all I can do. 

Thanks everyone for your support and I am going to start making regular posts again tomorrow in the hopes that maybe that will kick start me into getting back on track.

A big adjustment

Ever since my husband moved out I just can't stay busy enough.  I get bored so easy and boredom leads to eating.  My house is spotless, I have all my errands and phone calls caught up and I'm running out of things to do.  When my husband still lived here I seemed to stay busier I guess because I had another person to take care of.  Its just a big adjustment to get use to.  It feels really good to accomplish so much but now what? 
Especially on days like this when its rainy outside, I can't exercise, I can't take the kids anywhere so I'm stuck in the house bored out of my mind.  I try to watch tv but its just not interesting to me, I'm not really into web surfing so besides updating my blog theres nothing to do on here, and I spend time with the kids but they go to bed at 8 so that still leaves a long night ahead of me.  Any suggestions on things I can do to keep me busy?  It just seems like over this last week I've lost some of my willpower and motivation to lose weight and I don't want to start going backwards.  Its hard to get my mind in the right state when my life seems so unbalanced right now.  I don't like being alone, I don't like being single, I'm lonely but not ready to move forward.  In the middle of December I'm out of school for four weeks and I'm really worried about this because then I will have even less to do.  What am I going to do with all my time? 

My Time

Why does weight loss have to take so long? 

It feels like I can put on twenty pounds in a weekend but taking that same twenty pounds off takes two months.  I know losing the weight slowly is the healthiest way and you have more of a chance to keep it off but it sure does suck being fat. 

These are our choices set around stuffing our face with everything that we love and gain weight or watch every bite that goes into our mouth and exercise like a mad person and drop one pound a week if we are lucky.  No wonder so many people fail at weight loss, what a choice.  It doesn't seem quite fair does it? 

As you can tell I'm in a whiny mood this morning.  My weight loss has slowed which I guess thats better than stopping completely but I liked stepping on the scale every morning and seeing even the smallest of losses.  I kind of set myself up for failure when I put a particular number in my head that I wanted to lose this week.  Lesson learned, never again will I plan for a loss, I need to just appreciate what I do lose. 

I know that my body is getting healthier and stronger and that the weight will keep coming off.  Its just sucks to look in the mirror and know how hard I have been working and not see a difference.  I know my clothes fit differently and I know mentally that I have lost weight but I'm not seeing it.  I see myself in pictures and I'm just as fat as I have always been.  I hate the way I look. 

As shallow as it may sound I look forward to the day when people start noticing my weight loss, which hasn't happened yet.  I'm so tired of being the "FAT GIRL" that noone notices.  I'm tired of worrying about how I look in this outfit or that outfit or what people are thinking when they look at me.  I just want to be normal.

I wrote this post in hopes of getting out some of my frustrations.  I also wanted to rededicate myself to eating right and exercising and cutting myself a break.  I'm so hard on myself and I don't need all that negativity.  To look in the mirror and know that I've lost over 21 pounds and still keep telling myself how ugly and fat I am isn't helping anything.  I want to be able to love myself, I really do, but when you have hated your body for so long for betraying you its hard to find something positive to focus on, but thats a challenge I'm ready to face.  I just read my last sentence and I have that totally wrong, it wasn't my body that betrayed me it was me who betrayed my body.  I chose to overeat and gain all this weight. 

Well no more I was given this one life to live and I refuse to cut my life short by continuing to be overweight.  I need to lose this weight not only so I feel better about myself but so I can live a longer, healthier life.  This is my time dammit and I'm not going to waste anymore of it.

Worried about weigh in

This is the first week in awhile that I've had to worry about my weigh in.  Its my TOM and my weight is up alittle.  I have to weigh in tomorrow morning and I'm worried that I'm going to have a gain.  I am at the end of my cycle so the water weight is coming off but I'm still above what I weighed last Friday.  I'm hoping by watching what I eat today and exercising really hard this afternoon and drinking plenty of water that I will have some kind of loss tomorrow.  This is very discouraging because I was trying to hit a goal this week for one of the challenges I am participating in but at least I have until Sunday to try to lose for that challenge.  I just really don't want to see a gain on the scales in the morning.  I have gotten so use to seeing losses every week.  I need to get myself prepared mentally in case my weight is up in the morning because I don't want this to lead to any kind of backsliding.

Update:  After I got up this morning and weighed, ate my breakfast and got the kids off to school and  I had every intention of doing some housework.  Well I got on the computer to answer some emails and send some comments and ended up falling back asleep until 10:30am.  When I woke up I used the bathroom and decided to take a shower to get the day started and before I jumped in the shower I just had to weigh one more time.  The scale showed I had dropped 2 lbs since this morning which puts me below my weigh in last Friday by 1.6 lbs.  I weighed twice just to make sure the scale wasn't wrong and sure enough it still showed 224 lbs.  So crossing my fingers I will have a weight loss tomorrow after all.

Warning: Female Subject

As you all know this was suppose to be a big week for me.  I'm completing two challenges and meeting alot of goals this week.  One of those goals was to try to lose 3 lbs.  Well guess who decided to visit this week, yep thats right Aunt Flo.  Sunday morning I weighed in at my lowest so far 224.6 lbs so I was pretty confident I was going to hit my 3 lb goal.  Yesterday morning I weighed in at 226 lbs and to my shock this morning I weighed in at 227.2 lbs.  Now I know this is only because its my TOM but is there anything I can do to counteract this?  Would drinking more water help?  Would exercising more help?  I only have 5 days to drop 4.6 lbs.  This is day 3 of my TOM so I'm hoping by Sunday that it will be over with but does that mean the weight will go with it?  Any advice would be appreciated.

What is different?

This morning started with my husband going out to pick up breakfast for the family.  He had asked me last night before we went to sleep if I wanted him to go get breakfast for everyone and I said that was fine but I didn't want anything.  Well this morning he started being a food pusher again asking me why I didn't want anything....did I think I was to good to eat food like that....that I had the rest of the day to work it off.  I said no I just wanted to eat the healthy breakfast that I had planned to eat and no it wasn't that I thought I was to good its just that eating that kind of food makes me feel bad.  If that wasn't enough to make me cave into eating everything in sight then my kids have been so out of control today.  Sometimes I think having 3 sons is going to drive me crazy.  I have tried every discipline method there is and nothing seems to work.  I know alot of you are parents what works for you?  I just get so tired to listening to all the whining and fighting. 

Between living with a food pusher and feeling like I'm living in a war zone I'm stressed to the max.  The reason I put the title "What is different?" is because thats what I'm wondering what is different this time? Before I started this weight loss journey a day like this would have had me eating everything I could get my hands on to sooth my stress.  Have I learned to deal with these situations?  Have I learned to face my emotions and not bury them with food?  Have a I got to a point where I just can't take being fat anymore?  Could it be the medicine I'm on?  Why do I want to know what is different?  Because I want to make sure I never lose the willpower, motivation, determination or just personal growth that is keeping me going.

I am going to lose the weight this time I have no doubt about that but when you change so drastically over such a short period of time you have to wonder if that change is permanent.  I guess only I can decide that though.  Maybe its the willpower that I gain from other people's negativity.  Maybe its my determination to change my life and make my familes life better.  Maybe its the motivation to be healthy and happy finally.  Or maybe its just my own personal growth to face my fears and overcome the things I have allowed to hold me back.  Whatever it is I'm thankful that I've finally found what it takes to succeed.

It's Official

It's official "I want to kill my husband".....nah but not far from it.  He knows that I'm trying to lose weight and after he got off work he stopped by Wendy's and brought home 10 double stackers and 5 fries.  He walked in with two giant bags of food and the first words out of my mouth were "I know you didn't get me anything".  That may have sounded harsh but damn can he shove temptation in my face anymore than that.  So now my house smells like greasy burgers and fries and I have no idea what I'm going to eat for dinner.  Just venting alittle, sorry. 

Sick and frustrated

I woke up yesterday morning feeling alittle bad but last night I coughed my head off all night.  This morning I'm feeling even worse, with chest congestion, a cough and just overall feeling yucky.  I hate being sick because I have so much to do everyday and being sick doesn't help me accomplish anything.  I'm taking medicine right now to break up the congestion but it usually takes a few days for that to really start working.  And of course you would know it this is Labor Day vacation so everyone is home so I can't just lay in the bed and rest.  I guess I will just have to push through it because I have a house to clean, cooking to do and exercise later plus I have to get everything ready for tomorrow.  Have I said it already..... I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!

On top of being sick tomorrow is my weigh in day and my scale is showing no loss right now.  I just don't get it; I am eating better than I have ever in my life and actually exercising and I'm not really losing that much.  It's just so frustrating to be trying so hard and seeing no results.  I'm going to try not to eat alot today and I'm going to make myself exercise later and maybe I will have some loss when I get up in the morning.  My goal was to lose 2 lbs this week so I would have a total loss of 10 lbs but I don't see that happening.  It really sucks when your overweight and you get your mind in the right place to get healthy and your body rebels against you.  I'm going to have to make some kind of changes this next week to kickstart my weight loss.  Any suggestions?  I'm willing to try anything at this point to see my scale start moving.  Thank God my bulimia is under control or I know what I would be turning to right now.  I'm just so sick of being overweight!!!!  If anyone can look at what I'm eating and give me any suggestions on what to change I would appreciate it very much.  Should I kick my exercise up some?  Eat different foods?  Eat less?  Eat more?  Thanks for any help you can give me!