Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Well I'm back again after being gone for a few months and I'm hoping this times its for good.  I decided to give Weight Watchers another chance because my weight was spiraling out of control.  I was scared by New Years I would weigh 300 lbs.  I just went to my second meeting tonight and so far I've lost 10.6 lbs.  I'm going to try to keep up my blog but I probably won't be checking in everyday like before.  I hope the New Year finds everyone doing well and I wish you all the best of luck on your weight loss journey.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I love this

This was posted on my facebook page by another lady.  This really made my day.

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and b...eautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Friday, September 23, 2011

Weigh In

I know I haven't been posting much but I've still been trying to lose.  I've been going to the YMCA 2 to 3 times a week and working out with a friend and trying to eat right.  All my hard work seems to be paying off because I have lost 6.6 lbs.  Yay for me.  I'm still struggling to eat right and the bulimia isn't 100% under control but I'm still working on it.  The more I lose the more I want to lose so thats motivating me to keep going.  It feels so good to be doing something positive for my health. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Quick Update: Exercise

Well I finally started exercising.  I walked 3 miles yesterday and 5 miles today.  Now if I can just get my eating under control everything will be fine.  I'm still having binging and purging episodes and I'm hoping the exercise will help with that.  It felt so great to finally start my walking back, thats why I walked 5 miles today, I didn't want to stop.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Weigh In

Well I weighed this morning and I didn't lose anything, I actually maintained but I'm happy with that considering the week I had.  Next week will be alot better just have to get my mind in the right place.  Sorry I haven't posted much in the last few days I've been super busy and just to tired to think about what to write on here.  Hopefully this next week will be better.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

First Slip

Well I had my first slip today.  I got home from school and I was so tired I didn't feel like cooking so I decided to take the kids out to eat.  Of course we went to an all you can eat buffet restaurant which led to me having a binge.  Honestly I don't even feel like I ate that much compared to what I normally do but I started feeling that same anxiety after eating to much as I use to.  I came home and purged for the first time in about 11 days, oh well I just got to move forward.  I'm going to slip every once in awhile but I'm getting stronger and thats all that counts.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Eating on Day 11

1 bowl of bran cereal with a banana and skim milk

4 fig newtons
1 serving of veggie chips
1 cup jello

1 small bag of trail mix

1 chicken sandwich with honey mustard and cheese

2 lowfat devils food cookies

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Avoiding Temptation

Today was my family reunion that we have every year and I decided not to go.  The reason I decided not to go was because of all the food that would be there.  Even though this made people mad I didn't care because I have to do what is best for me.  I knew that if I went I wouldn't be able to avoid temptation.  This won't be the first time that I have had to say no and it probably won't be the last.  What kinds of situations do you have to avoid now that you are trying to lose weight?  Are you able to say no and not worry about hurting peoples feelings?  At some point you have to put yourself first and thats what I'm finally doing.

Eating on Day 10

1 bowl of shredded wheat with skim milk

1 banana sandwich

5 fig newtons
1 yoohoo drink

1 turkey and cheese sandwich
1 serving veggie crisp chips

2 fig netwons
3 chicken fingers
I feel like I've eaten to much today but I'll get back to eating right tomorrow.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Eating on Day 9

My eating has been pretty good today so far.  Here's what I've had to eat.

Bran cereal with a banana and skim milk

3 lowfat devils food cookies
1 cereal bar

1 manwich with 1 slice of bread, mayo and cheese

1 bowl of shredded wheat cereal with skim milk

I'm not sure if I will eat anything else the rest of the day or not, maybe a snack later and that will be it.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Weigh In

Today is my first weigh in.  My goal was to lose 1 pound because I wanted to set a goal that I knew I couldn't fail at.  My starting weight was 246 lbs and when I weighed in this morning I weighed 243.2 lbs so I lost 2.8 lbs.  That may not seem like alot but I didn't exercise and what I ate this week wasn't the best of foods even though I did watch my portions so I'm happy with my loss.  I also accomplished no binging and purging this week so I have two things to celebrate.  Now on to my second week and I will have the same goal to lose 1 pound.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hope for the Future

Each day that passes and I stay on track I have hope for my future.  Hope that I will overcome my bulimia and hope that I will lose weight and get healthy.  Hope can be a very powerful tool is you use it right.  I imagine my life once I'm at goal, how happy and more comfortable with myself I will be.  I think of how much more energy I will have and what I will be able to accomplish with the new self esteem I will have.  My life can only improve from this point forward if I just stay on track and keep the hope.

I can tell that my manic episode from yesterday has worn off because I'm exhausted today.  Its tiring going to school all day and then coming home, cleaning, cooking and running errands but I'm happy that I am staying busy now.  I think that has helped alot with my eating.  I hope everyone in bloggerlands having a great day and keep fighting the fight.

Eating on Day 7

I've been thinking about what I've eating and it seems I'm stuck on carbs which is a bad thing.  I would probably be losing more weight if I was eating more fruits and veggies but we are trying to eat up all the food we have in the house first before I go stock up.  Here is what I ate today.

1 small bowl of bran cereal with 1 banana and skim milk
1 medium cappuchino

1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich

1 rice krispy treat

1/2 cup jasmine rice
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup macaroni and cheese

As you can see a very heavy carb loaded day but I still don't feel like I overate so thats a good thing. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Sticking With It

Well I've made it 6 days without binging or purging and it feels so good to be in control.  Its been a rough week though between the stress of starting school, being bored and stress in my personal life but I'm hanging in there.  I'm staying ahead in my school work, getting the house clean and making out schedules to keep me on track with everything.  The bad thing is I go through this pretty regularly and it never lasts long but I'm going to try to keep it going this time.  I love having routine in my life and knowing what I'm expected to do from day to day.  I've even started to get help from the kids around the house without an argument which is really nice. 

What I don't understand is why if this feeling is so good why do I switch back to my old self?  Is it laziness or do I really have some kind of issue with sticking with things or maybe a combination of both?  Do you find this pattern in your life?  How do you stay on top of things and not become overwhelmed?

Eating on Day 6

I've made it almost a week and no binging and purging so I'm really happy.  Eating was still good today but I could improve what I'm eating.  Here's what I had.

1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
1 large cappuchino

1 Chex Mix bar
1 pack of cheese crackers.

1 small pizza with ranch dressing

1 peppermint patty

That will probably be all I eat today because I feel like I've had enough for the day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I know stress brings on eating but have you ever been so stressed you don't feel like eating?  Thats the way I feel right now.  My stomach is in knots and I can't even think about food and the weird part is I like it.  This is one of the few times in my life where I feel like I have control over food and I'm scared when the stress leaves my life so does the control.  How do I keep the control?

I know stress isn't good for you so I can't stay stressed out all the time but I like the way I have been eating.  I've been eating out of necessity instead of boredom or to stuff down my emotions.  It feels so good to be in control and I want to keep it this way.  Any ideas?  Have you ever been this way before?

Eating on Day 5

Today has been a very busy day between school and running errands after school.  Here is what I had to eat today.

1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
1 small cappuchino

1 Fiber one bar
1 pack of cheese crackers

1 fried chicken breast and wing

1 cup vanilla pudding
1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk

That doesn't look like much food but I'm not hungry.  If I get hungry later I will have a snack. 

Monday, August 15, 2011


I'm suffering from a major case of boredom.  I started school today and I've already finished all my work I had to do and now I'm bored.  My kids are at my moms for the night and I'm all alone and I'm bored.  Can you tell how bored I am?  Usually this leads to eating but today I'm just alittle depressed and worried and stressing over something I can't really talk about right now but it feels good to not be turning to food. 

The last 4 days have been easy eating wise and thats got me worried but I'm trying to think positively because negative thinking brings on negative behavior.  Just have to keep repeating these last 4 days, day after day for the next however long it takes to get this weight off.  I do know that I'm going to decrease my portion sizes starting tomorrow because I still feel like sometimes I'm eating to much at one time.  I need to also up my water intake and start getting in more fruits and veggies but I'm taking this one step at a time.  Small changes lead to big changes.

I guess thats about all for now, like I said I'm bored and not really motivated to do anything.  Kind of just feel like going to sleep which that could be because I only slept two hours last night.  Hope your all having a great day in bloggerland.

Eating on Day 4

Well I spent my first day at school and tried not to eat.  This is what I had today.

Breakfast:1 cup
2 waffles with agave syrup

1 cup of yogurt with strawberries and granola

1 pack of cheese crackers
1 small pack of peanuts

1 cup pasta salad

1 bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
3 oreos

I'll probably have a snack in alittle while because I'm still hungry and really haven't eaten that much today.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

School Starting

Well I start back to school tomorrow and I'm so excited.  I've been stuck in this house all summer, eating and putting on weight.  I'm hoping going back to school will help with my weight loss.  I will be out of the house 4 days a week which means away from food.  I will still have to avoid the temptation of vending machines, school cafeteria and going out to eat with friends but I'm going to try my best.  I plan on eating breakfast before I leave in the morning, carrying bottles of water with me and some healthy food to snack on and then eating dinner when I get home.  That still leaves me with the evenings that I always dread and the food demons come out but maybe I will have homework to take up that time, plus I need to start incorporating exercise soon.

My counseling sessions have been moved to Friday mornings so hopefully the motivation she gives me will last me through the weekend until I can get back to school.  I've mentioned this quite a few times before but I have alittle over 9 months before I graduate college and I do not want to walk across the stage looking like I do now.   I have to get on the ball if I want to get this weight off.  Honestly I would be happy if I could graduate at 160 lbs which still isn't my goal weight but its what I would be comfortable at.  I don't want to set such a high goal that I can't make it happen.  Shoot right now I would just be happy being under 200 lbs. 

But for now I don't want to think of the long term.  My goal for this week is to just lose 1 lb.  Now who can't lose 1 lb?  I read an article one day that said to make sure you set small goals that you can make happen and before you know it they will add up to your big goal.  I know without a doubt that I can lose 1 lb this week so anything over that is just extra.  I do have to start exercising soon though which will help get my blood pressure down plus all the extra benefits of losing weight and making my body stronger. 

My official weight that I'm starting this journey off on this time is 246 lbs and I will be weighing in on Fridays.  Just wanted to put that out there so I have that accountability.  So far I think I'm doing really well.  I may not be eating the healthiest foods in the world but I'm watching my portions and I'm going to start incorporating more health foods as soon as I can make it to the grocery store and stock up.  The kids start to school next week so that will help because I won't have to be cooking for them 3 times a day.....yay.  I can concentrate more on eating the right foods instead of what they are yelling for.  I have alot of changes happening over the next couple weeks and I'm looking at all of them in a positive light.  Can't wait to weigh in Friday and see how I'm doing.  Good luck to everyone out there in bloggerland.  Hope your eating and exercise is on track and if not remember today is a new day.

Eating on Day 3

I've kept pretty busy today so I haven't eaten to much.  Here's what I've had.

Bran cereal with skim milk and a banana
1 cup orange juice

Banana sandwich

Small bowl of beef stroganoff

1 peppermint patty
Now that I look at it I haven't eaten much today and I feel great not having that stuffed feeling like I always did before.  Just have to keep watching the portion sizes.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Why am I Afraid to Lose Weight?

Have you ever wondered if you are just afraid to lose weight and if so what would be the reason behind it?  I've talked to my counselor many times about this but we haven't figured out my reason yet.  What am I hiding from under all this fat....myself or others?  Maybe its just pure laziness keeping me from losing the weight or maybe I just don't want it bad enough, but how can that be when I spend so much of my life focused on losing weight?  So many questions run through my mind.  Do I like being fat....Hell No.   Do I like people looking at me like I have some kind of disease or something....No Way.  Do I want to change....Without a Doubt. 

So what is it going to take for me to lose weight?  My health is on the line now so is that going to be a big enough motivator?  I don't know because it hasn't been a big enough motivator to stop my bulimia.  How do I find the strength to do what I know needs to be done?  In my brain its so easy just eat right and exercise, so how do I make myself do that?

If anyone has answers to any of my questions please let me know.   Are you afraid of losing weight and if so what are you hiding from?  What did it take for you to change and lose weight?  I would love to hear other peoples stories.

Eating on Day 2

My eating for Day 2 hasn't been to bad but I know I need to pick healthier choices.  Right now though I'm just trying to watch my portion sizes.  Here's what I had to eat:

Bowl of bran cereal with skim milk and 1 banana
1 thin slice of livermush
1 cup orange juice

Turkey and cheese sandwich

12 chicken nuggets with honey

1 cup vanilla pudding
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Compared to how much I've been eating this is a big improvement.  I am going to start working on what I eat very soon though.  I need to include more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

When Night Falls

I don't know about all of you but when night falls around here thats when all the food demons come out.  I'm bored, I'm lonely and all I want to do is eat.  During the day I can stay busy cleaning and running errands but then by the evening I'm out of things to do.  There is always watching tv or reading or some other hobby you might have but when the food demons come out you forget all those things.  I'm looking at the clock right now and thinking about how much longer I have to make it until bedtime and boy does it seem like a long time.  And just as I was typing that sentence my son is shoving ice cream in my face begging me to finish eating said no though. 

Why is it that we have programmed our brains to believe food is a source of entertainment, a best friend, a hobby and a cure all for every emotion we have?  Food is here to sustain our lives, thats it.  Why is it when I'm bored I don't think of calling up a friend or God forbid exercising, no I run to the fridge to see what there is to munch on.  Well I'm off to slay my demons and hopefully make it until bedtime without eating anything else.  Good luck to all of you.

My First Day Back

Well my first day back has been pretty good so far but then again the evening is always the hardest for me.  Here is what I've had to eat.

1 cup orange juice
1 blueberry pancake with syrup

Turkey and cheese sandwich
1 banana

1 small serving lasagna
2 slices garlic cheese bread

1 banana
1 cup jello
1 small piece blueberry cake
Now this may not look like the healthiest things to eat but compared to how much I've been eating I'm proud of myself today.  I'm still trying to talk myself into exercising so we will see what happens with that.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Checking In

I know its been awhile so I thought it was time to check in.  Things have been going really good.  The bulimia is under control and I'm working on eating healthier and I have lost a few pounds.  I'm trying to just do each day alittle bit better than the last.  A few new things I'm doing is I took my home scale to my counselors office so I can't weigh each day and let me tell you I'm going through withdrawals.  Every morning I wake up wanting to jump on the scale and then remember its not here.  So I won't find out how much I've lost this last week until tomorrow.  Another thing I've done is made a vision board.  For those who don't know what that is you take what you want, such as losing weight and you put things that symbolize that on a piece of posterboard or whatever you want to use and you hang it up where you can see it all the time.  Mine is hanging right beside my bed so I can see it every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up and it helps to have that visual stimulation in front of you.  I haven't started my exercise back yet but it is something I will eventually add.  I'm trying to work on the all or nothing thinking I have and this sense of perfection that I must do everything perfect or I've blown the whole day.  Each day is a chance to do better than the last.  Hope everything is going well for all of you and I will be checking back in as I make progress.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Weigh In

Today was my weigh in and drumroll please.................I lost 9 lbs my first week.  I started at 241.8 lbs and I'm now 232.8 lbs.  I know most of that is probably water weight but I don't care I worked hard to get that nine pounds off.  The last couple days I have been slipping alittle on my eating but I didn't let that stop me from exercising.  I will get back on track and keep losing.  Now on to week 2.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 7 an Rockin It

Its day 7 and I'm rockin it.  Ate great and walked 2 miles.  I know my posts have been really short but there really isn't much to say.  I'm just trying to set up a routine and stick to it.  My good eating habits are coming pretty easily because I'm staying really busy which helps me not focus on food so much.  The exercise is a little tougher but I'm making myself do it.  I have alot of motivation to lose this weight among which are being healthier but more importantly I graduate college in about 11 months and when I walk across that stage I want to be the new me.  Three more days and I weigh in but as of right now I'm down 7 lbs.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Still Going Strong- Day 6

Its day 6 and I'm still going strong, eating right and exercising.  I walked 1.5 miles and did a 100 crunches.  I plan on weighing in Friday and I'm hoping for a great weight loss.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Got My Mojo Back

Another great day of eating and exercise.  I walked 3 miles and did 100 crunches.  I got my mojo back I just hope it lasts this time.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

On A Roll

Another great day of eating and exercise.  I went to our local festival again today and probably walked 2 miles then this evening I walked another 2 miles.  I'm just going to keep on with this routine.  Thanks for all your support.

Another Great Day

I had another great day yesterday.  I started the morning by walking 1.5 miles then I cleaned house and ran errands.  My eating was really good and I ended the day by attending a local festival here to take pictures and probably walked at least 3 miles.  When I stepped on the scale last night I was down 6 lbs which I know is water weight but I'll take it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I DID IT!!!!!

I EXERCISED.....I walked 2 miles today and I ate right.  I'm just so proud of myself.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day 4 and Still Going Strong

Today is day four of my new weight loss journey and I am still going strong.  It's so weird because its almost like I get into the bad eating patterns and once I can break it for just one day its easy to eat right again. I'm enjoying the healthy food I'm eating and I'm actually getting to eat more times a day then if I was eating unhealthy.  When I eat unhealthy I binge one or two times a day and feel miserable.  The way I'm eating now I eat 3 small meals and 2 snacks and I never feel that awful bloated feeling.  And with just four days of healthy eating I've already dropped 9.4 lbs which I know is probably all water weight but hey I'll take whatever I can get.  I still haven't started exercising yet but I'll get there and I'm not going to tear myself down and make myself feel quilty for not doing it.  I'm just doing my best each and everyday and its paying off.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Slow and Steady

Today has been pretty hard.  My eating has been good but I can't say I haven't been tempted.  I have a half gallon of banana split ice cream in my freezer and thats been calling my name.  I also had to run some errands and I was so tempted to stop by a fastfood restaurant and get something to eat.  So far I have avoided both of these temptations because I know if I eat it then I'm going to have an episode of bulimia and I don't want that.  I'm just taking things slow and steady and trying to focus on how my body is feeling now that I don't feel bloated and stuffed from eating to much.  Here is what I've eaten so far:

Breakfast- 1 1/2 cups bran cereal with raisins and  1 cup skim milk

Snack- 1 cup of yogurt

Lunch- turkey and cheese sandwich and an apple

Snack- 1cup of jello

For dinner I'm having salmon, green beans, rice and broccoli

I haven't done any exercise so far today but I may start off slowly by doing my weight lifting later and some crunches.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Updated and Ready to Go

I finally updated my blog with all my new weights and goals and its time to make them a reality now.  There has been alot of stuff going on in my life and its still going on and I have put myself on the backburner for to long.  I have allowed stress to rule my life and as you can tell by my weight gain that meant more eating.  This next year is so important to me.  Next year at this time I graduate from college and when I do I want to be at goal or at least close to goal.  My weight is standing in my way in so many ways.  My self confidence is shot, my self esteem is nonexistant and well I'm suffereing from depression.  My bulimia is still pretty much controlling my life but I'm battling it everyday.  Its just time for me to pull myself out of this blackhole I'm in.  Its lonely, depressing and sometimes I think totally insane to be this way.  I know I want to lose weight, I know I need to lose weight and I know the bulimia is absolutely not helping me to do this so why do I continue to repeat the same steps that aren't working?  Now you see why I think its total insanity.  How can I want something more than I've ever wanted anything in my life and still not be able to accomplish it?  Is it putting so much focus on every bite of food I eat that is making food so irresitable?  I don't even like eating anymore, how can you enjoy something that brings you so much pain and unhappiness, you can't.  I'm hoping that starting my blogging back and getting support from everyone on here will help me to find the strength that I'm lacking right now.  I need this victory in my life, I need to take my power back and I need to be the best I know I can be.  Please God give me the strength to conquer this demon.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I'm Back

Hi everyone I know its been awhile but hopefully I'm back for good now.  I have gained some of my weight back and I will be updating all that later but for now just know I'm trying to eat right and get back to my exercising.  I just passed my first test for the day, a friend wanted me to go out to eat with her and I was so close to going but I ended up just telling her that I was trying to get back on track with my eating and I couldn't go.  I hate telling people no but for my own health I had to.  I'll be posting my food journal and exercise journal later on today and hopefully it will be something I can be proud of.  It feels good to be back where I belong.  Good luck to everyone out there that is struggling with this same battle.

Update:  My eating was pretty good today but I'm going to do better tomorrow.  I didn't exercise today but I did stay pretty busy all day.  Hopefully I will get in some exercise tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Still Around

Just wanted to let you know I"m still around just kind of got some serious stuff going on right now that I need to focus on first.  I'm still trying to watch what I eat but the exercise for the time being is put on hold.  I don't know how any of the rest of you are but when I have something serious going on thats about all I can handle.  My mom has always said I can only deal with one thing at a time and she's right.  I'm working on that though.  Today I tackled my housework, schoolwork and prepared for 2 shoots I have for the newspaper in the next couple days.  I have alot going on right now and even though I shouldn't put myself on the backburner I need to for now.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Another Good Day

For breakfast I had 2 cups of Kashi cereal with 1 cup skim milk.  Then for a snack I had 1 handful of mixed nuts.

For lunch I had a salad and a banana.

I haven't done to much today besides cleaning up my house and mowing my grass.  Not sure what exercise I'm going to do today yet, may just do my weight lifting and crunches.

So far its been another good day and I'm trying really hard not to overeat but I'm so bored, depressed and lonely.

I ended up taking a nap earlier and when I woke up my son was wanting something to eat so we ended up going out to eat.  I do have to tell the truth I binged and purged.  I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it but I did and now I just have to move on.  I'm still going to do my weight training and crunches before bedtime so at least most of my day was positive.  Its just harder when I have these weekends without all my kids.  I don't have them to keep me busy.  Tomorrow I will be back to normal because I will be getting everything ready to start off the week.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A New Start

Well I weighed this morning and of course I didn't like what I saw.  The scale said 224.8 lbs but thats ok I'm making a new start.  I've already had my breakfast this morning which was 1 1/2 cups of Kellogg's FiberPlus Cinnamon Oat Crunch cereal and 1 cup skim milk.  Here is my schedule for the rest of the day.

Clean House
Take shower and get ready
Wash, dry and put away clothes
Pay bills
Make phone calls
Take off Trash
Grocery shopping
Walk (2 miles)
Fix Lunch
Put weight bench together
Clean up my car
Fix Dinner
Drink 50 oz water
Mow grass- can't do today has flat tire
Get kids off to their dads
Do weight training
Do pushups
Drink 50 oz water
Have a relaxing, stress free evening

Seems like alot to do but I love staying busy, keeps my mind off food.  Well kids just got on the schoolbus so time for me to get to work.  I'll be updating throughout the day to let you know how I'm doing.  If I can just make it through this one day then that will get me back on track.

A short update about my eating.  I didn't really eat lunch I just kind of snacked when I got hungry and I ended up eating 1 banana, 38 veggie straws and a handful of mixed nuts.  Still working on getting all my work done so I can just relax and enjoy this weekend.

For dinner I had a salad and for a snack I had 4 lowfat cookies.

I'm bored out of my mind and got a killer headache so I'm having to fight the urge to eat plus I don't feel like doing my weight lifting right now.  I did have a couple snacks, 2 cups grapes, 2 lowfat cookies and 38 veggie straws, but not all at one time.  My eating has been pretty good today so I just want to make it to bedtime without eating anything else.

Well I ended up falling asleep and didn't do my weight training or finish my water but thats ok I still had a good day.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Went Shopping

I went shopping tonight and bought my weight bench.  Now I just have to put it together tomorrow and get me some weights which I'm getting from my ex for free and I'm in business.  I'm also going grocery shopping tomorrow and stocking up on healthy foods so that I can get back on track with my eating.  Tomorrow should be a busy day for me between cleaning the house, walking, grocery shopping, putting my weight bench together, picking up the weights from my ex, doing my weight lifting and pushups I have planned and cooking healthy meals.  I got out of breath just typing all you don't get anywheres without hardwork.  I'll be posting an update tomorrow on my progress as the day goes by.  Good luck to me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

New Goals

I sat down today and figured out my schedule for the next month and came up with a workout schedule.  I have a few pieces of exercise equipment already but this weekend I'm going out and buying a weight bench, curling bar and weights.  Here is the schedule I've come up with.

April 1- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 2- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 3- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 4- crunches
April 5- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 6- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 7- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 8- crunches
April 9- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 10- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 11- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 12- crunches
April 13- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushup
April 14- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 15- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 16- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 17- weights- pushups
April 18- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 19- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 20- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 21- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 22- crunches
April 23- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 24- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 25- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 26- crunches
April 27- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 28- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 29- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 30- walk(2 miles)- crunches

This is my own personal challenge to myself.  On top of exercising I'm going to eat right and drink my water.  I've put on more weight than I care to admit right now but I am determined now to get it off.  With the warm weather back now I have no excuse not to exercise. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'll Start Tomorrow

How many times have I said those very words to myself, "I'll Start Tomorrow"?  Here it is almost 3 months later and tomorrow has never came.  Where's my motivation, where's my determination, where's my desire to lose weight?  I wish I knew because apparently losing weight isn't that important to me, if it was wouldn't I be doing everything I could to lose?  I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the eating, I'm fed up with the binging and purging and the feeling guilty that comes along with that and I'm fed up with lieing to myself each and everyday.  I've made commitments to myself and to all of you and I've failed each and every time.  Why do I put myself through this?  Just stop overeating, get my lazy ass outside and walk and quit making excuses for not doing what I promise myself.  I'm sick of being fat, sick of being tired, sick of being lazy and sick of whining about things that I can change if I just stick to what works.  I need to face it tomorrow will never come, thats just a fairytale I tell myself to be able to eat badly for just one more day.  All I really have is right now, I need to stop worrying about what I will eat or do tomorrow and start worrying about what I'm eating and doing right now.  Life is to short and I've already wasted 37 years do I really want to waste another 37?  Right now is the time to get my life together and make the most of what I have.  I graduate in a year and when I walk across that stage its not just about getting my diploma its about becoming a new person.  I want that to include my outward person just as much as my inward person.  Like the saying goes "Just Do It".

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Up late, can't sleep

I didn't officially weigh in this week because I didn't want to acknowledge my gain, but I have gained a couple pounds.  Oh well life goes on and all I can do is try to do better this next week.  I already have my breakfast planned out in the morning so that I can start my day off right.  I know I've been off the bandwagon for awhile but I truly do want to change that.  I can tell a difference in how my clothes are fitting and I can tell a big difference in how I feel about myself.  Its a slipper slope back into depression at this point if I don't get that scale going the other way.  All I can say is enough words and more action.

I do have some good news though.  I went for an interview for an internship for my local paper and I got it.  I was sent on my first assignment yesterday and the picture I took was published in the newspaper today.  I'm hoping that on top of going to school, doing schoolwork, taking care of my home and kids and now interning for the newspaper that will keep me busy enough to stay away from the food.

I also went out today and bought me a new computer, an external flash for my camera, a tripod, Photoshop CS5 and Lightroom 3 so I will be having fun learning how to use all this new equipment.  So everything in my life is going good right now except for my eating and only one person can change that and thats me.  I got to find the inner strength and motivation to get back on track and stop letting food control my life.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Not Diet Related

This isn't diet related but thought I would show you what I got to shoot in photography class today.  And I wonder why I'm

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Food and Exercise Journal

I decided today was the day to get back on track so my first step is to journal what I'm eating so I can hold myself accountable.  I will be updating this through the day but for now I'm just going to list breakfast.

Breakfast- 2 cups kashi cereal
                 1 cup skim milk
                 16.9 oz water

Well no use in listing what else I had to eat today because it turned out to be a very stressful day.  I didn't really overeat to bad but I didn't eat good either.

I did get out and take some pictures today though, I love the signs of spring coming.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Weigh In

Just a short update which I forgot to post yesterday.  I weighed in and I had lost 1 lb since last week so I weigh 216.2 lbs now.  I haven't had a bulimia episode in a few days so I'm doing good on that front to.  Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Still Kicking

I know I haven't posted in a few days but things are going good.  I haven't been eating as much and the bulimia has almost subsided altogether so I'm just trying to stay focused on the positive things in my life.  Met a new guy and he has totally swept me off my feet.  Having things in my life that make me happy and keep my priorities straight really does help with me being successful at my weight loss.  Sorry for the short update but not much to report except I'm still kicking.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Devil Reared His Ugly Head Again

Well I had a few good days of eating and not binging and purging and then the weekend hit and the devil reared his ugly head again.  I was all alone and of course I was depressed so I binged and purged once Saturday and three times yesterday.  I honestly don't know why I do it.  I don't want to, I hate doing it, I try to talk myself out of it but then it always wins in the end.  I have dropped 2 lbs in the last couple days but not in a healthy way.  Todays a new day though and I promise myself and all of you that I'm not going to overeat or binge and purge.  I have my counseling session today so I'm going to talk to her about this problem and see if we can't figure out why I feel the need to resort to such drastic measures.  I know that I have to be trying to fulfill something with food and I need to figure out what that something is so that I can learn to turn to a different coping mechanism.  Right now I know I'm lonely and depressed so I really need to find things to take up my time that don't involve food.  I really, really need to start going to the YMCA because that will not only get me out of the house but maybe I can make some friends there.  Its time to start putting some plans into action instead of just talking about them.  Well I'm off for the day, got a to do list a mile long and never ending and if I lay in this bed much longer I'm just going to go back to sleep.  Hope all of you have a great day.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Family

Since my family has changed alittle over the last 4 months I thought I would reintroduce you to my family as it exists now.  As most of you know my husband and my self decided it was best for us to go our seperate ways so he is no longer part of my family and I also decided to give him our dog since he is more of a dog lover than I am.  I've added a new addition to our family in the last week with the adoption of  a new cat.  So here is my family.

(My oldest son Brandon who is 14 years old)

(My twins Joshua and Dylan who are 9 years old)

(The newest addition to our family, Calie)

(My kitty, Junebug)

(My guinea pig, Ziggy)

Eating Only When I'm Hungry

I had a long talk with the guy I'm seeing about addictions and how to overcome them.  He's had his own addictions in the past and it seems so easy for him to conquer them through sheer willpower and his faith in God to help him.  I've prayed to God so many times to help me with my eating disorder because I sure don't have the willpower to beat it by myself.  Maybe I'm just not truly open to his help but we talked about how this could just be God's plan for me somehow.  We talked about my struggle with bulimia and how I wished I was more like him when it came to eating.  He only eats when he is hungry, which isn't alot.  We have been dating a couple weeks and I've never seen him eat, not once.  He's skinny and of course that makes me feel even fattier.  One good thing is coming out of it though, my determination to lose this weight is getting stronger and stronger each day.  I just want to be the best I can be not only for myself but also for him.  I guess he likes me the way I am or otherwise he wouldn't continue to want to see me but I just want to lose this weight so I feel more comfortable when I'm with him.  I just have to learn the habit of eating only when I'm hungry.  Why is that such a hard concept to wrap my mind around?  Food is made to nourish our bodies not to comfort us in times of need and reward us in times of celebration.  Its time I learn these lessons and become stronger than my disease.  Today was day two without any binges or purges which is a positive sign that I'm getting back on track.  I just have to take this battle one day at a time.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Weigh In

Well I decided to start my weigh ins back today even though I knew it would mean a gain.  Oh well noone to blame but myself.  I guess it could be worse, I haven't weighed since February 4th and the scale said I weighed 217.2 lbs this morning.  That means in a month I've gained 5 lbs.  Its ok though because I feel like each day I'm getting back on track.  Even though yesterday wasn't a perfect eating day it was way better than the day before and I had no binge and purge episodes so I'm completely proud of myself.  I'm hoping I can have a very good week this next week and drop this 5 lbs so I can get back to where I was a month ago and go from there.  Wish me luck cause I'm back and getting stronger each day.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Went Shopping

Today has been a very good day so far.  I had my breakfast which consisted of a bowl of Kashi cereal than I was off to school where we went on a field trip to an Art Museum.  After school my stomach was growling so I decided to eat where my mom works which happens to be an all you can eat buffet.  I tried not to put to much pressure on myself to eat perfectly but I also didn't want to binge and have to run home to purge either.  I started off with a small salad and then got up to get me something else when I realized I really didn't need anymore food.  Of course I couldn't leave without dessert so I did allow myself a small piece of cake topped with alittle vanilla ice cream and caramel syrup.  As soon as I was done eating I got up and left knowing that if I stayed any longer that I would give in an indulge in more desserts.  After eating I decided I was going shopping for some new clothes which I hate because I never like how I look in anything but I was bound and determined to find 2 outfits that I was comfortable in.  It was easy enough to find a couple pairs of bluejean capri pants but the shirts were harder.  Hating to show any of my rolls and also dreading the super short sleeves they put on all shirts these days I kept looking until I found two outfits I liked.  Now I never really shop for myself so it was an accomplishment alone to get the clothes but I even bought matching jewelry to go with each outfit.  My counselor has me working on my self esteem and one of my goals is to come into her office each week in a new outfit all put together, hair fixed, makeup on and beaming with the confidence to carry it off so now I'm really looking forward to my next visit with her.  Just trying on clothes that fit my body made me want to lose weight even more.  I can't stand not feeling comfortable in what I wear so I made sure I bought clothes that were alittle tighter than I like on myself.  Now I just have to make it through the rest of the day without overeating.  Here are pictures of me in my new outfits:


I hate the way I look in pictures but thats something else I'm trying to overcome, facing my fears.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My Reality

Today was not the best of days as far as eating wise.  I tried so hard not to overeat but the more I thought about not eating the more I wanted to eat.  I made it until dinner time where I ended up binging and purging, which I was also try to avoid.  I honestly don't know what its going to take for me to get out of these bad habits.  I want this so bad and I try so desperately to eat good, exercise and not binge and purge but I keep failing.  I just need one good day to get me going and I know I can get back on track.  I had a friend tell me earlier well just don't do it and I said you have no idea how strong the addiction is.  This person was raised to win at any cost and they don't know what its like to have an addiction.  I on the other hand have a very addictive personality so its my reality.  When the thoughts go through my head to eat something I don't need to eat or eat whatever because I know I can purge afterwards I try to talk myself out of it.  I tell myself how bad I want to lose weight, how I want to be healthy and how I'm killing myself with my eating disorders but the impulse is so strong I can't fight it.  Something has to give soon because I can't keep doing this to my body or my mind.  Next time I see my counselor I'm going to tell her this is something we really need to start focusing on.  We are already working on building my confidence and changing my perception of myself.  My counselors philosophy is to "Fake it Until You Make It".  I get the concept but its so hard for me to fake that I have self esteem or confidence when I don't but I'm going to really start trying to work on it.  I'm tired of living my life worrying about what others think about me, if they don't like what they see then don't look.  I've condemned myself to a life of misery and pain by living in a world that I think judges me.  I have to change these negative thoughts into positive ones.  I consider myself to be a very positive person about everything else in my life so why shouldn't I be able to be positive about myself.  I'm a smart, talented, strong, loving, supportive, caring and as my counselor says "beautiful woman".  I just have to buy into that last part.  Until I love myself noone else is going to love me, I do believe that.  How do you find self love when all you have is self loathing?  How can I feel like a such a success in certain areas of my life but such a loser in others?  Why do I care so much about what others think about me, complete strangers that I'm never going to see again?  If I died tomorrow would people really be talking about how fat I am or would they be talking about what a good person I was?  So why should my weight define who I am in my own mind?  As you can see this is how my mind thinks 24 hours a day, no wonder I'm seeing a  I have to take control of my life, my thoughts and my body, its my time and I'm sick of being controlled by a false reality.  Any suggestions, thoughts, advice or just a plain kick in the butt would be much appreciated.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's Time

It's time to quit screwing around and get back on track with my eating and exercise.  I haven't even posted on my blog in over a week thats how slack I'm getting.  I keep saying tomorrow I will start when it needs to be right now.  Each day I feel like I'm getting alittle more of my old self back and more determined to do what I need to do.  What I'm doing right now sure isn't working.  I need to start recording my food again, journaling my feelings so I can understand my desire to eat even when I'm not hungry and I need to get my lazy butt back outside walking because the weather is beautiful so I have no excuses now.  It's time for me to start my second part of my journey to becoming health and fit, starting right now not tomorrow. 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Positive Energy

The last few weeks have been really bad for me and my bulimia has pretty much took over my life but I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel like the fog has been lifted and maybe just maybe I can do this.  My eating has been good so far today and I'm getting ready to go walk.  I just have a positive energy in me right now that I'm definitely going to take advantage of.  This could be the stepping stone I need to get me back on track and get this weight off for good.  Thanks for all your support and if your going through a rough time right now with your weight loss just give it alittle time and don't be to hard on yourself, you will come out on the other side to.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Question?

I'm trying to get my eating back on track and find the motivation to exercise.  My question to all of you is what do you do to get back on plan with your weight loss?  What inspires you?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Reviewing my Goals

When I started my weight loss blog I set these goals for my progress.  As you can see I should be at 191 lbs right now and as of just a few minutes ago I weighed 218.4 lbs.  Yes I've gained but I've even been putting off my weigh in.  I should be 26 lbs lighter right now but by allowing myself to get sidetracked I have thrown my weight loss in reverse.  I thought maybe by reviewing my goals I could motivate myself to get back on track. 

August 10, 2010- 247 lbs (starting weight)
September 7, 2010- 237 lbs
October 5, 2010- 229 lbs
November 2, 2010- 221 lbs
November 30, 2010- 213 lbs (34 lb loss for Thanksgiving, thats a lot to be thankful for)
December 28, 2010- 205 lbs (42 lb loss for Christmas would make it a very merry Christmas)
January 25, 2011- 197 lbs
February 22, 2011- 189 lbs (under 200 for valentines how sweet that would be)
March 22, 2011- 181 lbs
April 19, 2011- 173 lbs
May 17, 2011- 165 lbs
June 14, 2011- 157 lbs
July 12, 2011- 149 lbs ( 2 days before my birthday what a wonderful birthday present to myself)
August 9, 2011- 141 lbs (this would be the smallest I have ever been)

My next goal for this year is to walk 600 miles.  To meet this goal I should be walking 50 miles a month and we are halfway through February and I've only walked 7.1 miles.  Time to get my booty moving.

Next I have a biking goal of 300 miles, I've only rode a pathetic 1 mile and I should have already rode 37 miles.

I have a goal of going to the gym which was to do strength training at least 3 times a week and swimming twice a week and I haven't stepped one foot into a gym yet.

I also set a goal to do 100 crunches every other day and so far I've only done it 4 days.

I don't have to go to school tomorrow and its suppose to be pretty here so I plan on getting my lazy butt out and walking, maybe doing something for my health will help me get my motivation back.  I don't want to be retyping my goals a year from now and still being in the same spot with my weight or even worse weighing more than I do right now.

All my other goals concern my eating and I'm listing them here as a reminder.

Water Goal: I had a goal in 2010 of drinking at least 128 oz of water a day but of course I never hit that goal so for 2011 I'm just going to work on drinking as much water as possible without setting a goal.

Eating Goals: The following are my goals for my food intake daily:

Sugar- I have greatly reduced my sugar intake already but its still something I need to continue to work on.

Fruits- I love fruits especially sweet fruits like bananas, apples and grapes but I have learned that fruits have alot of natural sugar in them so you do need to watch how much you eat so my goal is to continue to keep my fruit intake to a maximum of 1-2 servings per day.

Vegetables- I have always been a vegetable eater but I have had to learn to replace some of my carbs like macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes with vegetables instead. I am learning to try new vegetables that I've never had before to add some variety into my eating and vegetables really are good for you and help to fill you up. So I plan on continuing to try at least one new vegetable and make sure I get my daily servings of veggies in.

Carbohydrates- This is probably one of my favorite types of foods, I mean who doesn't love macaroni and cheese and pasta dishes and breads but if you aren't careful these types of food can put alot of weight on you. So I plan on continuing to really watch my intake of carbs.

Soda- I have mainly been drinking water but I have been sneaking in a couple diet sodas a week and I want to completely give up sodas again.

Fast Food- I try to pick the healthiest thing when I get fast food but like a friend pointed out to me no fast food is healthy. I'm only picking out the least unhealthy thing on the menu so this is definitely something I need to give up. So my last goal is to completely avoid fast food.

Recommended Daily Allowances:
(not really a challenge but something I need to keep an eye on)
Calories: 1760 to lose 2 lbs a week
Fat: 64 grams
Fiber: 25 grams
Carbohydrates: 300 grams
Sugar: 40 grams
Protein: 50 grams
Sodium: 2400 milligrams

I know it seems like alot but it all goes hand in hand with each other.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Broken Heart on Valentines Day

Just to make a long story short the guy I've been dating decided to break up with me on Valentines Day, wasn't that sweet of him?  Oh well the story of my life.  The funny thing is you would think this would be triggering me to eat but its having the opposite effect.  I guess every dark cloud has a silver lining.  Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day and remember don't forget to tell the ones you love how much you love them, you never know when you aren't going to have that chance anymore.

Friday, February 11, 2011

My Struggle with Bulimia

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this besides its whats going on in my life right now but maybe it will help to talk about it.  I've wrote a few times on here about my bulimia and how I've struggled with it for over 10 years.  Up until last week I had been purge free for over 9 months.  Alittle over a month ago I started the Eating Clean plan which I was really enjoying until I started to slip some on my eating and then my sense of perfection became my downfall.  The little voice crept back into my head telling me all I had to do was get rid of whatever I had eaten wrong and everything would be fine, just one time and I could get back on track.  Well that one time turned into more than once, I should have known better, that same voice is what got me started down this path in the first place.  I remember the first time I purged, it was only suppose to be once and thats all it took to get me addicted.  Bulimia is just like any other compulsion, you think you are the one in control when the opposite is true, the compulsion or addiction is in control of you.  The compulsion is so strong and even though I know I'm damaging my body and purging really isn't helping me to lose any weight, as a matter of fact it has the opposite effect, I still can't stop.  Over the years I have realized there are many different sides to bulimia.  Sometimes I just used it to maintain my weight until I could gain my strength back to do it on my own, other times I would try to use it to lose weight by purging everything I ate, but I've never been skinny from being bulimic.  I know rationally that the only way to truly lose weight is to do it the healthy way, eat right and exercise but right now this demon is stronger than I am.  It makes you feel like such a failure to not be able to control your own body.  Sometimes all it takes to set off my bulimia is to eat something that I feel is going to make me fat and sometimes I intentionally plan out my purges if even by accident.  Like yesterday I had planned to take my kids out to eat and I was going to get something little, something I felt wouldn't set off my bulimia and then my mom suggested we go eat chinese which is one of my favorite foods.  I knew at that point that I was going to purge when I got home so why not just eat as much as I could, if I was going to damage my health I better make it count.  See how irrational that thinking is, its not like I don't know what I'm doing but I find myself to weak to say no.  Bulimia does so many bad things to your body from damaging your teeth, which I've had lots of cavities and lost 2 teeth, luckily in the back where you can't see.  It also throws off all the chemicals in your body which I've been told by my counselor contributes to my depression because one of the chemicals it messes with is the chemicals in your brain.  So many times I've worried that my heart is just going to stop or one of these days my esophagus is going to rupture when I'm purging, which can happen.  How can I know that what I'm doing can lead to death and keep doing it?  I keep telling myself well at least I'm only purging once or twice a day and not 4 to 6 like I use to, but once is to many.  Its just so hard dealing with this on top of having a food addiction, I want to beat it, I want it to go away, I want to be stronger than this but how?  Thanks for listening to my rant and if any of you have thought of turning to bulimia or any other eating disorder please don't, it doesn't help it only adds one more problem on top of what you are already dealing with.  Here is a post I wrote earlier with lots of information on all the different forms of eating disorders

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A New Beginning

The last week has been pretty rough, between not having control over my eating and fighting my builimia but I can't keep letting this rule my life.  I've asked myself a million times why I can't just stop eating?  How can I want to lose weight so bad but can't control myself enough to do it?  Maybe thats the problem, to much focusing on food.  When you spend every waking second thinking about what you are going to eat next or what you aren't going to eat next its no wonder food is the center of your life.  I know at this point my main focus should just be getting healthy but to be honest and it may sound alittle vain I want to be skinny, I want to like what I see in the mirror, I want others to like what they see and I want to inspire someone else to be the best they can be.  I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of being self conscious and I'm tired of hating who I am.  How can I treat my ownself with respect and love when I don't like who I am?  Everything else in my life is going good but how can I truly be happy when I'm not happy with who I am?  I need to find some balance between failure and perfection, a middle ground where I can just let food be something that feeds my body not my mind.  I can't control my emotions by stuffing them down with food, I can't eat away my pain and I can't treat food as a cure all for everything.  Its time for a new beginning, a rebirth into who I want to be not who I have been.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Losing the Battle but not the War

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a few days which for me is unusual.  When I started my last eating plan which was the Clean Eating diet I was gung ho on the plan, eating all the right foods at the right times and it seemed to be working for me even though I still hadn't gotten back on track with my exercise yet.  Well as time went by I started to lose my momentum and began slipping back into old patterns.  This last weekend has been really rough on me because I've pretty much eaten anything I wanted and so now I'm feeling guilty for that.  On top of that my bulimia is back, its not something I want to admit and it can make you feel really ashamed but I thought if I put it out there for all of you to know then I would find the motivation to get back on track.  I've in noway given up on losing weight, that is a battle I will never stop fighting, I'm just going through a rough patch right now.  I plan on starting my blogging back tomorrow and trying to get back on track.  I definitely dont want to gain all the weight back that I lost so I need to tackle this right now before it gets to out of hand.  Hope I haven't disappointed any of you to much and I'll be back to my posting tomorrow.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Weigh In

Today is weigh in day.  I weighed 211.2 lbs last Friday and today I weigh 212.2 lbs so I have gained 1 lb.  I was hoping for a loss but I knew with how I've been cheating this last week on my clean eating that I was going to have a gain.  This next week I'm going to stay away from fast food, drink more water, reduce my portion sizes and start exercising again.  I'm hoping these changes will lead to a really good weight loss next week.  I'm tired of staying around this same weight I'm ready to be under 200 lbs.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Changes I've Made Part 4

1.  I've switched from using canola oil to olive oil.

Benefits of olive oil:
-extra virgin olive oil is high in polyphenols (a powerful antioxidant) and monounsaturated fat which contributes to lowering bad cholesterol
-olive oil may be just as effective in the prevention of colon cancer as fresh fruits and veggies. A diet rich in olive oil has been shown to reduce the incidence of colon, breast and skin cancers.
-extra virgin olive oil may help to lower blood pressure.
-replacing other fats with olive oil will reduce the risk of alzeheimers
-Olive oil promotes the secretion of bile and pancreatic hormones naturally and lowers the incidence of gallstones.

2.  I keep healthy snacks handy so I don't grab for something thats not good for me.
3.  I eat 5 meals a day every 2 to 3 hours to keep my blood sugar from spiking and to keep my metabolism running efficiently.
4.  I shop the perimeter of the store where the healthier foods are sold such as fruits and vegetables and I read food and nutritional labels so I know what I'm putting in my body.
5.  I avoid alcohol because it contains a high amount of sugar.
6.  I either avoid salad dressing or only use a very small amount.
7.  I've switched from high fat cheeses to lowfat cheeses.
8.  I eat lean meats such as ground turkey, chicken and turkey breasts and lean cuts of beef and pork.
9.  I've switched from white rice to brown rice, from white bread to whole wheat bread and from white pasta to whole wheat pasta.
10. I've increased my intake of veggies daily and only allow myself 2 servings of fruits daily.
11. I've replaced mayo with ketchup, mustard, red pepper hummus or guacamole.
There are still a few things that I have to try that either I haven't found yet or just haven't gotten around to buying yet.  If anyone has tried any of these please tell me how you liked it.
1.  Chia seeds
2.  Quinoa
3.  Hemp seeds
4.  Edemame
5.  Bee pollen
6.  Coconut oil
Also if anyone has any suggestions for other healthy things I can try I would love any ideas you have.

Clean Eating Day 22

For breakfast I had 1 cup of Kashi cereal with 1 tbls flaxseed and 1 cup soy milk.

My midmorning snack was a protein shake made from 1 cup soy milk, 1 tbls flaxseed, 1 banana and 1 scoop of GNC banana cream protein powder.

For lunch I had a lite club from Jasons Deli and a cup of fruit with fruit dip.

For dinner I had a salad made from spring mix greens, a couple slices of onions, 1 tomato, 4 oz diced turkey breast, 1/4 cup walnuts and 1 tbls lite ranch dressing.

My midevening snack was a protein bar.

Its been awhile since I've included any of my photography on my blog and this week I've been very busy taking pictures in the studio at school so I thought I would post a few here.  In the first shots I had my son be my model because as you can see he has his own personal style, he says its his way of expressing himself.  The other pictures are my guinea pig named ziggy and another girl in class brought in a rabbit so we shot them together and seperate.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Changes I've Made Part 3

I decided since I'm bored with nothing to do I would go ahead and continue my series of posts on the changes I've made.

1.  I start every morning off with a nutritional breakfast.

-people who eat breakfast take in fewer calories daily on average, leading to easier and better weight management over time.

2.  Packing my own lunch.

-saves you money
-you can control your calorie and fat intake over eating out at restaurants
-great way to use up leftovers
-gives you a chance to get in extra servings of fruits and veggies

3.  I've replaced sodas, tea and coffee with water.

Benefits of drinking more water:
-helps you keep hydrated
-helps to lose weight
-natural remedy for a headache
-helps to make you look younger and have healthier skin
-helps you think better, be more alert and concentrate
-water helps you to feel more energetic and helps to fuel your muscles during exercise
-helps in digestion and constipation
-less cramps and sprains
-helps to fight against the flu and other ailments such as kidney stones and heart attacks
-relieves fatigue
-reduces the risk of cancer

4.  I eat a snack between each meal.

-helps to maintain normal blood sugar levels, which keeps your energy high throughout the day
-helps to keep you from feeling too hungry, preventing you from overeating at meals later in the day
-great opportunity to include more fruits and vegetables

5.  I've traded out using regular peanut butter for using almond butter or all natural peanut butter.

Benefits of almond butter:
-Almond butter is beneficial in reducing heart disease and cholesterol through the high monounsaturated fats in the almonds
-high in fiber and protein in addition to having monounsaturated fats
-helps to regulate blood sugar
-rich in antioxidants and contain important vitamins and minerals including vitamin E, vitamin B2, magnesium and calcium
-Almond butter is a beneficial substitute for peanut butter for those who suffer from peanut allergies, as it typically can be tolerated by most people
-helps to lower blood pressure because it contains calcium, potassium and magnesium

Benefits of peanut butter:
-Peanut butter is also rich in antioxidants
-helps to lower the bad form of cholesterol known as LDL.
-Peanut butter may also help prevent Alzheimer’s disease since it contains Niacin
-One of the many benefits of eating peanut butter is that it contains large amounts of dietary fiber, equal to about 8 percent. Fiber helps in the process of controlling blood sugar and cholesterol levels. Another benefit of fiber is that it can reduce the chance of developing colorectal cancer.
-Peanut butter contains high amounts of proteins--as much as 24 percent by weight. Along with protein, peanut butter contains vitamins E and B3 and the minerals copper and iron. It also contains calcium and potassium.
-Peanuts contain an interesting nutrient called resveratrol, which is a natural antimicrobial product and is created by the peanut plant. This nutrient helps to protect against bacteria, viruses and fungus.

All of this information was found on the internet and I'm in no way a medical professional so please do your own research before making any of these changes in your own diet.

Clean Eating Day 21

For breakfast I had 1 cup steelcut oats with 1 tbls agave nectar, 1 tbls ground flaxseed, 1 tbls wheat germ, 1/8 cup golden raisins and 1/4 cup walnuts.  I also had a protein shake made from 1 cup skim milk and 1 package of chocolate hemp powder.

My midmorning snack was a protein bar.

For lunch I had a salad from a restaurant topped with 2 tbls ranch dressing. (Not a picture of my actual salad)

For a snack I had a 3 musketeer bar.  ( I was craving chocolate)

My midafternoon snack was 1 apple with 1 cup of Greek strawberry yogurt.

For dinner I had 2 pigs in a blanket (Not clean eating but they were good and I wasn't very hungry)

Changes I've Made Part 2

This post is part 2 of the series I'm going to post about the changes I've made in my eating.

1.  I've changed from regular yogurt to Greek yogurt.

Benefits of Greek Yogurt:
-It's higher in protein.
-It's lower in carbohydrates.
-It's thickier and creamier.
-It's lower in sodium.

2.  I've added fish to my diet.

Benefits of salmon:
-High in protein.
-Rich in Omega 3's which reduce inflammation in the body and decreases your chance of heart disease or a having a heart attack.
-Salmon also is high in fish oil, which promotes smooth skin and reduces redness.
-Salmons oils makes you feel fuller longer.
-Salmon has been found to decrease your risk of Alzheimer's and to speed up mental processing even in younger adults.
-The oil in salmon is unsaturated, meaning it will not clog your arteries.
-Decreased risk of arrhythmias, which can lead to sudden cardiac death.
-Decreased triglyceride levels.
-Salmon is one of the foods that helps to lower blood pressure because it slows down the build up of atherosclerotic plaque.
-Salmon, like other cold water fish, fights arthiritis.
-Salmon and other fish high in omega-3 fatty acids helps to heal your nerves.
-Salmon and othe foods high in omega-3 fatty acids interrupts the progression of early symptoms of schizophrenia into full-blown schizophrenia.
-Salmon is rich in iron, which helps to remedy some forms of anemia.

Benefits of Tilapia:
-Tilapia provides a low calorie, low fat protein alternative.
-Tilapia is a source of Omega 3 fatty acids which is good for heart health.

3.  I've added 100% whey protein powder to my diet.

Benefits of whey protein powder:
-Lowers cortisol levels which reduces stress.
-Increases muscle mass.
-Increases glutathione in the body which is an antioxidant that helps with immune function.
-Whey protein is easy to digest, and can be taken by those with lactose intolerance.
-Whey protein helps in weight loss and weight maintenance because of its calcium content, lactose sugar, protein and leucine. All of these work together to regulate metabolism.
-Whey protein helps improve immune function because it contains cysteine, lactoferrin, immunoglobulins, BCAAs, and because it helps maintain glutathione in the body.
-Whey protein as a supplement is more effective than casein at improving exercise performance.

I found all of this information on the internet and I'm in no way a medical professional so please do your own research before you make any of these changes in your own diet.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Clean Eating Day 20

For breakfast I had 1 cup Kashi cereal with 1 cup skim milk, 1 tbls ground flaxseed and 1 scoop of Jillian Micheals triple chocolate protein powder.

My midmorning snack was a protein bar.

For lunch I had a organic whole wheat wrap with turkey, tomato, alfalfa sprouts, guacamole and ranch dressing.  I also had a cup of fruit and fruit dip.

For dinner I had a veggie burger with no mayo and no cheese from Burger King.

My midevening snack was 1 apple with 1 cup Greek strawberry yogurt.

No exercise today.  I need to find my mojo to get back on track with my exercising, but at least I am staying busy doing other things.