Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A New Beginning

The last week has been pretty rough, between not having control over my eating and fighting my builimia but I can't keep letting this rule my life.  I've asked myself a million times why I can't just stop eating?  How can I want to lose weight so bad but can't control myself enough to do it?  Maybe thats the problem, to much focusing on food.  When you spend every waking second thinking about what you are going to eat next or what you aren't going to eat next its no wonder food is the center of your life.  I know at this point my main focus should just be getting healthy but to be honest and it may sound alittle vain I want to be skinny, I want to like what I see in the mirror, I want others to like what they see and I want to inspire someone else to be the best they can be.  I'm tired of being fat, I'm tired of being self conscious and I'm tired of hating who I am.  How can I treat my ownself with respect and love when I don't like who I am?  Everything else in my life is going good but how can I truly be happy when I'm not happy with who I am?  I need to find some balance between failure and perfection, a middle ground where I can just let food be something that feeds my body not my mind.  I can't control my emotions by stuffing them down with food, I can't eat away my pain and I can't treat food as a cure all for everything.  Its time for a new beginning, a rebirth into who I want to be not who I have been.


  1. OK, sounds good. So what is your plan, or un-plan? You really have done pretty well, in spite of the fact that you aren't fond of your progress. In about 6 months you have lost 35 pounds-more than many people-don't discount your success! You do what you need to do, I'll cheer you not matter what you decide.

    Polar's Mom

  2. Thats a great question Polars mom, what is my plan or unplan? Well not wanting to focus on food so much I think I need to turn my attention to other things in my life. I have plenty of things to keep me busy from housework to schoolwork, kids and hobbies, my boyfriend and of course exercise which I need to get back into. I figure if I spend my time focusing on all the other things that mean so much to me maybe food will become a nonissue. I also plan on posting more on my blog about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking and how the day went, kind of like blogging approach can't hurt because God knows nothing else is working for me, at least for very long. Thanks for your encouragement and support it means alot.