Went Shopping

I went shopping tonight and bought my weight bench.  Now I just have to put it together tomorrow and get me some weights which I'm getting from my ex for free and I'm in business.  I'm also going grocery shopping tomorrow and stocking up on healthy foods so that I can get back on track with my eating.  Tomorrow should be a busy day for me between cleaning the house, walking, grocery shopping, putting my weight bench together, picking up the weights from my ex, doing my weight lifting and pushups I have planned and cooking healthy meals.  I got out of breath just typing all that.....lol....well you don't get anywheres without hardwork.  I'll be posting an update tomorrow on my progress as the day goes by.  Good luck to me.

New Goals

I sat down today and figured out my schedule for the next month and came up with a workout schedule.  I have a few pieces of exercise equipment already but this weekend I'm going out and buying a weight bench, curling bar and weights.  Here is the schedule I've come up with.

April 1- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 2- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 3- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 4- crunches
April 5- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 6- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 7- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 8- crunches
April 9- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 10- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 11- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 12- crunches
April 13- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushup
April 14- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 15- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 16- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 17- weights- pushups
April 18- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 19- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 20- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 21- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 22- crunches
April 23- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 24- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 25- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 26- crunches
April 27- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 28- walk(2 miles)- crunches
April 29- walk(2 miles)- weights- pushups
April 30- walk(2 miles)- crunches

This is my own personal challenge to myself.  On top of exercising I'm going to eat right and drink my water.  I've put on more weight than I care to admit right now but I am determined now to get it off.  With the warm weather back now I have no excuse not to exercise. 

I'll Start Tomorrow

How many times have I said those very words to myself, "I'll Start Tomorrow"?  Here it is almost 3 months later and tomorrow has never came.  Where's my motivation, where's my determination, where's my desire to lose weight?  I wish I knew because apparently losing weight isn't that important to me, if it was wouldn't I be doing everything I could to lose?  I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the eating, I'm fed up with the binging and purging and the feeling guilty that comes along with that and I'm fed up with lieing to myself each and everyday.  I've made commitments to myself and to all of you and I've failed each and every time.  Why do I put myself through this?  Just stop overeating, get my lazy ass outside and walk and quit making excuses for not doing what I promise myself.  I'm sick of being fat, sick of being tired, sick of being lazy and sick of whining about things that I can change if I just stick to what works.  I need to face it tomorrow will never come, thats just a fairytale I tell myself to be able to eat badly for just one more day.  All I really have is right now, I need to stop worrying about what I will eat or do tomorrow and start worrying about what I'm eating and doing right now.  Life is to short and I've already wasted 37 years do I really want to waste another 37?  Right now is the time to get my life together and make the most of what I have.  I graduate in a year and when I walk across that stage its not just about getting my diploma its about becoming a new person.  I want that to include my outward person just as much as my inward person.  Like the saying goes "Just Do It".

Up late, can't sleep

I didn't officially weigh in this week because I didn't want to acknowledge my gain, but I have gained a couple pounds.  Oh well life goes on and all I can do is try to do better this next week.  I already have my breakfast planned out in the morning so that I can start my day off right.  I know I've been off the bandwagon for awhile but I truly do want to change that.  I can tell a difference in how my clothes are fitting and I can tell a big difference in how I feel about myself.  Its a slipper slope back into depression at this point if I don't get that scale going the other way.  All I can say is enough words and more action.

I do have some good news though.  I went for an interview for an internship for my local paper and I got it.  I was sent on my first assignment yesterday and the picture I took was published in the newspaper today.  I'm hoping that on top of going to school, doing schoolwork, taking care of my home and kids and now interning for the newspaper that will keep me busy enough to stay away from the food.

I also went out today and bought me a new computer, an external flash for my camera, a tripod, Photoshop CS5 and Lightroom 3 so I will be having fun learning how to use all this new equipment.  So everything in my life is going good right now except for my eating and only one person can change that and thats me.  I got to find the inner strength and motivation to get back on track and stop letting food control my life.

Not Diet Related

This isn't diet related but thought I would show you what I got to shoot in photography class today.  And I wonder why I'm fat....lol

Food and Exercise Journal

I decided today was the day to get back on track so my first step is to journal what I'm eating so I can hold myself accountable.  I will be updating this through the day but for now I'm just going to list breakfast.

Breakfast- 2 cups kashi cereal
                 1 cup skim milk
                 16.9 oz water

Well no use in listing what else I had to eat today because it turned out to be a very stressful day.  I didn't really overeat to bad but I didn't eat good either.

I did get out and take some pictures today though, I love the signs of spring coming.

Weigh In

Just a short update which I forgot to post yesterday.  I weighed in and I had lost 1 lb since last week so I weigh 216.2 lbs now.  I haven't had a bulimia episode in a few days so I'm doing good on that front to.  Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Still Kicking

I know I haven't posted in a few days but things are going good.  I haven't been eating as much and the bulimia has almost subsided altogether so I'm just trying to stay focused on the positive things in my life.  Met a new guy and he has totally swept me off my feet.  Having things in my life that make me happy and keep my priorities straight really does help with me being successful at my weight loss.  Sorry for the short update but not much to report except I'm still kicking.

The Devil Reared His Ugly Head Again

Well I had a few good days of eating and not binging and purging and then the weekend hit and the devil reared his ugly head again.  I was all alone and of course I was depressed so I binged and purged once Saturday and three times yesterday.  I honestly don't know why I do it.  I don't want to, I hate doing it, I try to talk myself out of it but then it always wins in the end.  I have dropped 2 lbs in the last couple days but not in a healthy way.  Todays a new day though and I promise myself and all of you that I'm not going to overeat or binge and purge.  I have my counseling session today so I'm going to talk to her about this problem and see if we can't figure out why I feel the need to resort to such drastic measures.  I know that I have to be trying to fulfill something with food and I need to figure out what that something is so that I can learn to turn to a different coping mechanism.  Right now I know I'm lonely and depressed so I really need to find things to take up my time that don't involve food.  I really, really need to start going to the YMCA because that will not only get me out of the house but maybe I can make some friends there.  Its time to start putting some plans into action instead of just talking about them.  Well I'm off for the day, got a to do list a mile long and never ending and if I lay in this bed much longer I'm just going to go back to sleep.  Hope all of you have a great day.

My Family

Since my family has changed alittle over the last 4 months I thought I would reintroduce you to my family as it exists now.  As most of you know my husband and my self decided it was best for us to go our seperate ways so he is no longer part of my family and I also decided to give him our dog since he is more of a dog lover than I am.  I've added a new addition to our family in the last week with the adoption of  a new cat.  So here is my family.

(My oldest son Brandon who is 14 years old)

(My twins Joshua and Dylan who are 9 years old)

(The newest addition to our family, Calie)

(My kitty, Junebug)

(My guinea pig, Ziggy)

Eating Only When I'm Hungry

I had a long talk with the guy I'm seeing about addictions and how to overcome them.  He's had his own addictions in the past and it seems so easy for him to conquer them through sheer willpower and his faith in God to help him.  I've prayed to God so many times to help me with my eating disorder because I sure don't have the willpower to beat it by myself.  Maybe I'm just not truly open to his help but we talked about how this could just be God's plan for me somehow.  We talked about my struggle with bulimia and how I wished I was more like him when it came to eating.  He only eats when he is hungry, which isn't alot.  We have been dating a couple weeks and I've never seen him eat, not once.  He's skinny and of course that makes me feel even fattier.  One good thing is coming out of it though, my determination to lose this weight is getting stronger and stronger each day.  I just want to be the best I can be not only for myself but also for him.  I guess he likes me the way I am or otherwise he wouldn't continue to want to see me but I just want to lose this weight so I feel more comfortable when I'm with him.  I just have to learn the habit of eating only when I'm hungry.  Why is that such a hard concept to wrap my mind around?  Food is made to nourish our bodies not to comfort us in times of need and reward us in times of celebration.  Its time I learn these lessons and become stronger than my disease.  Today was day two without any binges or purges which is a positive sign that I'm getting back on track.  I just have to take this battle one day at a time.

Weigh In

Well I decided to start my weigh ins back today even though I knew it would mean a gain.  Oh well noone to blame but myself.  I guess it could be worse, I haven't weighed since February 4th and the scale said I weighed 217.2 lbs this morning.  That means in a month I've gained 5 lbs.  Its ok though because I feel like each day I'm getting back on track.  Even though yesterday wasn't a perfect eating day it was way better than the day before and I had no binge and purge episodes so I'm completely proud of myself.  I'm hoping I can have a very good week this next week and drop this 5 lbs so I can get back to where I was a month ago and go from there.  Wish me luck cause I'm back and getting stronger each day.

I Went Shopping

Today has been a very good day so far.  I had my breakfast which consisted of a bowl of Kashi cereal than I was off to school where we went on a field trip to an Art Museum.  After school my stomach was growling so I decided to eat where my mom works which happens to be an all you can eat buffet.  I tried not to put to much pressure on myself to eat perfectly but I also didn't want to binge and have to run home to purge either.  I started off with a small salad and then got up to get me something else when I realized I really didn't need anymore food.  Of course I couldn't leave without dessert so I did allow myself a small piece of cake topped with alittle vanilla ice cream and caramel syrup.  As soon as I was done eating I got up and left knowing that if I stayed any longer that I would give in an indulge in more desserts.  After eating I decided I was going shopping for some new clothes which I hate because I never like how I look in anything but I was bound and determined to find 2 outfits that I was comfortable in.  It was easy enough to find a couple pairs of bluejean capri pants but the shirts were harder.  Hating to show any of my rolls and also dreading the super short sleeves they put on all shirts these days I kept looking until I found two outfits I liked.  Now I never really shop for myself so it was an accomplishment alone to get the clothes but I even bought matching jewelry to go with each outfit.  My counselor has me working on my self esteem and one of my goals is to come into her office each week in a new outfit all put together, hair fixed, makeup on and beaming with the confidence to carry it off so now I'm really looking forward to my next visit with her.  Just trying on clothes that fit my body made me want to lose weight even more.  I can't stand not feeling comfortable in what I wear so I made sure I bought clothes that were alittle tighter than I like on myself.  Now I just have to make it through the rest of the day without overeating.  Here are pictures of me in my new outfits:

 

 

I hate the way I look in pictures but thats something else I'm trying to overcome, facing my fears.

My Reality

Today was not the best of days as far as eating wise.  I tried so hard not to overeat but the more I thought about not eating the more I wanted to eat.  I made it until dinner time where I ended up binging and purging, which I was also try to avoid.  I honestly don't know what its going to take for me to get out of these bad habits.  I want this so bad and I try so desperately to eat good, exercise and not binge and purge but I keep failing.  I just need one good day to get me going and I know I can get back on track.  I had a friend tell me earlier well just don't do it and I said you have no idea how strong the addiction is.  This person was raised to win at any cost and they don't know what its like to have an addiction.  I on the other hand have a very addictive personality so its my reality.  When the thoughts go through my head to eat something I don't need to eat or eat whatever because I know I can purge afterwards I try to talk myself out of it.  I tell myself how bad I want to lose weight, how I want to be healthy and how I'm killing myself with my eating disorders but the impulse is so strong I can't fight it.  Something has to give soon because I can't keep doing this to my body or my mind.  Next time I see my counselor I'm going to tell her this is something we really need to start focusing on.  We are already working on building my confidence and changing my perception of myself.  My counselors philosophy is to "Fake it Until You Make It".  I get the concept but its so hard for me to fake that I have self esteem or confidence when I don't but I'm going to really start trying to work on it.  I'm tired of living my life worrying about what others think about me, if they don't like what they see then don't look.  I've condemned myself to a life of misery and pain by living in a world that I think judges me.  I have to change these negative thoughts into positive ones.  I consider myself to be a very positive person about everything else in my life so why shouldn't I be able to be positive about myself.  I'm a smart, talented, strong, loving, supportive, caring and as my counselor says "beautiful woman".  I just have to buy into that last part.  Until I love myself noone else is going to love me, I do believe that.  How do you find self love when all you have is self loathing?  How can I feel like a such a success in certain areas of my life but such a loser in others?  Why do I care so much about what others think about me, complete strangers that I'm never going to see again?  If I died tomorrow would people really be talking about how fat I am or would they be talking about what a good person I was?  So why should my weight define who I am in my own mind?  As you can see this is how my mind thinks 24 hours a day, no wonder I'm seeing a shrink....lol.  I have to take control of my life, my thoughts and my body, its my time and I'm sick of being controlled by a false reality.  Any suggestions, thoughts, advice or just a plain kick in the butt would be much appreciated.

It's Time

It's time to quit screwing around and get back on track with my eating and exercise.  I haven't even posted on my blog in over a week thats how slack I'm getting.  I keep saying tomorrow I will start when it needs to be right now.  Each day I feel like I'm getting alittle more of my old self back and more determined to do what I need to do.  What I'm doing right now sure isn't working.  I need to start recording my food again, journaling my feelings so I can understand my desire to eat even when I'm not hungry and I need to get my lazy butt back outside walking because the weather is beautiful so I have no excuses now.  It's time for me to start my second part of my journey to becoming health and fit, starting right now not tomorrow.