Monday, March 21, 2011

I'll Start Tomorrow

How many times have I said those very words to myself, "I'll Start Tomorrow"?  Here it is almost 3 months later and tomorrow has never came.  Where's my motivation, where's my determination, where's my desire to lose weight?  I wish I knew because apparently losing weight isn't that important to me, if it was wouldn't I be doing everything I could to lose?  I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the eating, I'm fed up with the binging and purging and the feeling guilty that comes along with that and I'm fed up with lieing to myself each and everyday.  I've made commitments to myself and to all of you and I've failed each and every time.  Why do I put myself through this?  Just stop overeating, get my lazy ass outside and walk and quit making excuses for not doing what I promise myself.  I'm sick of being fat, sick of being tired, sick of being lazy and sick of whining about things that I can change if I just stick to what works.  I need to face it tomorrow will never come, thats just a fairytale I tell myself to be able to eat badly for just one more day.  All I really have is right now, I need to stop worrying about what I will eat or do tomorrow and start worrying about what I'm eating and doing right now.  Life is to short and I've already wasted 37 years do I really want to waste another 37?  Right now is the time to get my life together and make the most of what I have.  I graduate in a year and when I walk across that stage its not just about getting my diploma its about becoming a new person.  I want that to include my outward person just as much as my inward person.  Like the saying goes "Just Do It".

9 comments:

  1. This is not hopeless. You have done all that is humanly possible for you to do. Now it's time to turn to God. You need a strength greater than your own. Please visit my site and listen to the hymn in the "This Too Shall Pass" post. Seek out a Church and get some counseling from the minister there. I will help all I can. Just let me know.

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  2. Christina, would you let anyone treat your boys the way you treat yourself? OMG, you're plain cruel to you. You have a bully inside who's destroying you. That's right--a bully. He kicks you even harder when you're down than when you're up.

    Each time you give in to him, you make him stronger. Each time you stand up for yourself you make him weaker, and YOU stronger! I know you care about the way you're treated. You must fight back, or he'll ruin your life.

    I know you can do it. I can tell by just reading your blog that you have a perceptive, quick mind. You're raising three boys alone. That takes an incredible amount of strength. You don't necessarily have to lose right now. You can, however, promise yourself that you won't gain. Just lose 3-5 pounds, if possible, to give yourself a buffer. So if you're 216, get to 213, and maintain. If for some reason you get back to 216, cut back the food until you're at 213 again. You can do that.

    Meantime, while you're maintaining, find someone to see (if you're not religious) for your bulimia. You know in your heart it's deadly. Who's going to take care of your boys? Certainly no one as good as you can ever be what you are to them. You'd break their hearts if you died. It's curable, or at least controllable, in most women.

    Blog about it. We're here for you, I promise. Just stop beating yourself up. Please.
    Yup, I'm worried for you, and concerned about you. You're a fine, fine woman, and I want to see you out of this pain. You'll get there, I'm sure of it.

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  3. It means so much to me that both of you have taken your time to respond to my post. I'm trying to use today to get back on track, one meal at a time. Thanks so much for caring enough to give me your perspective on what I'm going through. I know I can do this I just have to do it.

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  4. Christina - I prayed for you last night and you are on my mind this morning. Every time you feel weak, pray until it passes. Use all your resources to beat this.

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  5. It's hard to get back on the horse, I'm trying to get back on it and it seems higher than before, but I'm not giving up, but I am going to be honest. Ignoring it won't make it go away or correct itself. But I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm going to fight the fight not me. and I hope you do the same and stop beating yourself up.

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  6. Honestly when I wrote this post I didn't think I was beating myself up, I just thought I was giving myself the kick in the ass I needed but I guess when others read it thats how it comes off. I'm definitely not giving up and everyday I'm still focused on doing my best but I'm still not where I want to be. I just have to keep trying.

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  7. Reading your post...it could have been me that wrote it!!LOL I feel the same way....:(

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  8. Please consider therapy. Bulimia is a dangerous game. Berating yourself so cruelly is not the answer.

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  9. I don't know if this helps, but winloseorblog.blogspot.com is taking apps for Season 4!!! It helped me get started when I didn't want to, and it's only 7 weeks long! Just a thought... I am one who NEEDS a kick to help motivate. :(

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