Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Today was not the best of days as far as eating wise. I tried so hard not to overeat but the more I thought about not eating the more I wanted to eat. I made it until dinner time where I ended up binging and purging, which I was also try to avoid. I honestly don't know what its going to take for me to get out of these bad habits. I want this so bad and I try so desperately to eat good, exercise and not binge and purge but I keep failing. I just need one good day to get me going and I know I can get back on track. I had a friend tell me earlier well just don't do it and I said you have no idea how strong the addiction is. This person was raised to win at any cost and they don't know what its like to have an addiction. I on the other hand have a very addictive personality so its my reality. When the thoughts go through my head to eat something I don't need to eat or eat whatever because I know I can purge afterwards I try to talk myself out of it. I tell myself how bad I want to lose weight, how I want to be healthy and how I'm killing myself with my eating disorders but the impulse is so strong I can't fight it. Something has to give soon because I can't keep doing this to my body or my mind. Next time I see my counselor I'm going to tell her this is something we really need to start focusing on. We are already working on building my confidence and changing my perception of myself. My counselors philosophy is to "Fake it Until You Make It". I get the concept but its so hard for me to fake that I have self esteem or confidence when I don't but I'm going to really start trying to work on it. I'm tired of living my life worrying about what others think about me, if they don't like what they see then don't look. I've condemned myself to a life of misery and pain by living in a world that I think judges me. I have to change these negative thoughts into positive ones. I consider myself to be a very positive person about everything else in my life so why shouldn't I be able to be positive about myself. I'm a smart, talented, strong, loving, supportive, caring and as my counselor says "beautiful woman". I just have to buy into that last part. Until I love myself noone else is going to love me, I do believe that. How do you find self love when all you have is self loathing? How can I feel like a such a success in certain areas of my life but such a loser in others? Why do I care so much about what others think about me, complete strangers that I'm never going to see again? If I died tomorrow would people really be talking about how fat I am or would they be talking about what a good person I was? So why should my weight define who I am in my own mind? As you can see this is how my mind thinks 24 hours a day, no wonder I'm seeing a shrink....lol. I have to take control of my life, my thoughts and my body, its my time and I'm sick of being controlled by a false reality. Any suggestions, thoughts, advice or just a plain kick in the butt would be much appreciated.