Thursday, August 11, 2011

Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor. 
Posted by Christina at 8/11/2011 07:14:00 PM
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10 comments:

  1. BlubeariAugust 11, 2011 at 8:27 PM

    As long as you keep coming back and trying, none of it was wasted time. Stay strong and push through!

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  2. ChristinaAugust 11, 2011 at 8:43 PM

    Thanks so much Blubeari, I need to check out your blog and see how you are doing.

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  3. TammyAugust 11, 2011 at 9:57 PM

    Christina, I'm glad to see you back. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling. I have too, but differently. Online support is incredible, but are there support groups in your area that might work too between counseling sessions?

    Do you have a plan? It seemed that you had some success when you were trying to follow the eat clean plan. For me, I have to have a plan or else I fail.

    You can do this Christina! I'm with ya.

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  4. ChristinaAugust 11, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    Honestly Tammy I don't really have a plan, that is something I'm working on. I'm having a hard time right now telling the difference between good foods and bad foods. I can eat something as simple as a banana and think it has to much sugar in it or a bowl of bran cereal and think about all the carbs I'm eating. My counselor has talked about me seeing a nutrionist to work out a meal plan. For right now I'm just going to try to work on portion control of what I do eat. Thanks for your support.

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  5. Food FreakAugust 12, 2011 at 1:08 AM

    Good to see you back in the fight, Christina, but I'm not happy to hear that your bulimia is still in full swing. I hope that somehow, you can address that and come out on the other side. As an anorexic, I feel as though we have a LOT in common. I know it's terribly difficult. I haven't come through to the other side yet, but I have begun eating. That's a very good sign. If we can get some good signs out of you, I'll dance with joy, because I know how you're suffering.

    I'll keep reading and rooting for you. You can do it, you know, once you're fully committed. I hope to cheer you on!

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  6. ChristinaAugust 12, 2011 at 9:56 AM

    Thanks so much Food Freak. Its so nice to hear from u again and its always nice to have the support. I'm glad u are eating and doing well. I guess u are right I need to fully commit myself to losing weight and getting past the bulimia and there is no better time than the present to do that. Thanks for motivating me.

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  7. LisaAugust 12, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    Oh wow! I totally admire you for knowing and admitting you need help and are actively getting that help.
    ((hugs)) & ((prayers)) for you!

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  8. ChristinaAugust 12, 2011 at 1:11 PM

    Thanks so much Lisa, I'm not afraid to admit when I need help, sometimes you just got to put yourself out there.

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  9. MBAugust 13, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    I pray you find a way to get through this and make peace with food and your body. Try to focus on getting healthy and fit instead of skinny. It's a totally different mindset. Take care.

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  10. ChristinaAugust 14, 2011 at 6:31 PM

    Thanks MB, nice to hear from you again. I've been gone for so long. I'm working on changing my thinking and its not easy to try to reprogram your brain after being a certain way for 38 years. I'll get there though. You take care to.

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