Thursday, August 11, 2011
Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over. Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere. I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her. We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much. Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day. I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it. I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct. The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight. I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected. I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight. I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor. At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim. The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder. I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right. I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself. If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen. I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help. Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also. I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen. I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing. I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer. I want to be a survivor.