Quick Update: Exercise

Well I finally started exercising.  I walked 3 miles yesterday and 5 miles today.  Now if I can just get my eating under control everything will be fine.  I'm still having binging and purging episodes and I'm hoping the exercise will help with that.  It felt so great to finally start my walking back, thats why I walked 5 miles today, I didn't want to stop.

Weigh In

Well I weighed this morning and I didn't lose anything, I actually maintained but I'm happy with that considering the week I had.  Next week will be alot better just have to get my mind in the right place.  Sorry I haven't posted much in the last few days I've been super busy and just to tired to think about what to write on here.  Hopefully this next week will be better.

First Slip

Well I had my first slip today.  I got home from school and I was so tired I didn't feel like cooking so I decided to take the kids out to eat.  Of course we went to an all you can eat buffet restaurant which led to me having a binge.  Honestly I don't even feel like I ate that much compared to what I normally do but I started feeling that same anxiety after eating to much as I use to.  I came home and purged for the first time in about 11 days, oh well I just got to move forward.  I'm going to slip every once in awhile but I'm getting stronger and thats all that counts.

Eating on Day 11

Breakfast:
1 bowl of bran cereal with a banana and skim milk

Lunch:
4 fig newtons
1 serving of veggie chips
1 cup jello

Snack:
1 small bag of trail mix

Dinner:
1 chicken sandwich with honey mustard and cheese

Snack:
2 lowfat devils food cookies

Avoiding Temptation

Today was my family reunion that we have every year and I decided not to go.  The reason I decided not to go was because of all the food that would be there.  Even though this made people mad I didn't care because I have to do what is best for me.  I knew that if I went I wouldn't be able to avoid temptation.  This won't be the first time that I have had to say no and it probably won't be the last.  What kinds of situations do you have to avoid now that you are trying to lose weight?  Are you able to say no and not worry about hurting peoples feelings?  At some point you have to put yourself first and thats what I'm finally doing.

Eating on Day 10

Breakfast:
1 bowl of shredded wheat with skim milk

Lunch:
1 banana sandwich

Snack:
5 fig newtons
1 yoohoo drink

Dinner:
1 turkey and cheese sandwich
1 serving veggie crisp chips

Snack:
2 fig netwons
3 chicken fingers
I feel like I've eaten to much today but I'll get back to eating right tomorrow.

Eating on Day 9

My eating has been pretty good today so far.  Here's what I've had to eat.

Breakfast:
Bran cereal with a banana and skim milk

Snack:
3 lowfat devils food cookies
1 cereal bar

Lunch:
1 manwich with 1 slice of bread, mayo and cheese

Dinner:
1 bowl of shredded wheat cereal with skim milk

I'm not sure if I will eat anything else the rest of the day or not, maybe a snack later and that will be it.

Weigh In

Today is my first weigh in.  My goal was to lose 1 pound because I wanted to set a goal that I knew I couldn't fail at.  My starting weight was 246 lbs and when I weighed in this morning I weighed 243.2 lbs so I lost 2.8 lbs.  That may not seem like alot but I didn't exercise and what I ate this week wasn't the best of foods even though I did watch my portions so I'm happy with my loss.  I also accomplished no binging and purging this week so I have two things to celebrate.  Now on to my second week and I will have the same goal to lose 1 pound.

Hope for the Future

Each day that passes and I stay on track I have hope for my future.  Hope that I will overcome my bulimia and hope that I will lose weight and get healthy.  Hope can be a very powerful tool is you use it right.  I imagine my life once I'm at goal, how happy and more comfortable with myself I will be.  I think of how much more energy I will have and what I will be able to accomplish with the new self esteem I will have.  My life can only improve from this point forward if I just stay on track and keep the hope.

I can tell that my manic episode from yesterday has worn off because I'm exhausted today.  Its tiring going to school all day and then coming home, cleaning, cooking and running errands but I'm happy that I am staying busy now.  I think that has helped alot with my eating.  I hope everyone in bloggerlands having a great day and keep fighting the fight.

Eating on Day 7

I've been thinking about what I've eating and it seems I'm stuck on carbs which is a bad thing.  I would probably be losing more weight if I was eating more fruits and veggies but we are trying to eat up all the food we have in the house first before I go stock up.  Here is what I ate today.

Breakfast:
1 small bowl of bran cereal with 1 banana and skim milk
1 medium cappuchino

Lunch:
1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Snack:
1 rice krispy treat

Dinner:
1/2 cup jasmine rice
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/2 cup macaroni and cheese

As you can see a very heavy carb loaded day but I still don't feel like I overate so thats a good thing. 

Sticking With It

Well I've made it 6 days without binging or purging and it feels so good to be in control.  Its been a rough week though between the stress of starting school, being bored and stress in my personal life but I'm hanging in there.  I'm staying ahead in my school work, getting the house clean and making out schedules to keep me on track with everything.  The bad thing is I go through this pretty regularly and it never lasts long but I'm going to try to keep it going this time.  I love having routine in my life and knowing what I'm expected to do from day to day.  I've even started to get help from the kids around the house without an argument which is really nice. 

What I don't understand is why if this feeling is so good why do I switch back to my old self?  Is it laziness or do I really have some kind of issue with sticking with things or maybe a combination of both?  Do you find this pattern in your life?  How do you stay on top of things and not become overwhelmed?

Eating on Day 6

I've made it almost a week and no binging and purging so I'm really happy.  Eating was still good today but I could improve what I'm eating.  Here's what I had.

Breakfast:
1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
1 large cappuchino

Lunch:
1 Chex Mix bar
1 pack of cheese crackers.

Dinner:
1 small pizza with ranch dressing

Snack:
1 peppermint patty

That will probably be all I eat today because I feel like I've had enough for the day.

Stress

I know stress brings on eating but have you ever been so stressed you don't feel like eating?  Thats the way I feel right now.  My stomach is in knots and I can't even think about food and the weird part is I like it.  This is one of the few times in my life where I feel like I have control over food and I'm scared when the stress leaves my life so does the control.  How do I keep the control?

I know stress isn't good for you so I can't stay stressed out all the time but I like the way I have been eating.  I've been eating out of necessity instead of boredom or to stuff down my emotions.  It feels so good to be in control and I want to keep it this way.  Any ideas?  Have you ever been this way before?

Eating on Day 5

Today has been a very busy day between school and running errands after school.  Here is what I had to eat today.

Breakfast:
1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
1 small cappuchino

Lunch:
1 Fiber one bar
1 pack of cheese crackers

Dinner:
1 fried chicken breast and wing

Snack:
1 cup vanilla pudding
1 small bowl of bran cereal with skim milk

That doesn't look like much food but I'm not hungry.  If I get hungry later I will have a snack. 

Boredom

I'm suffering from a major case of boredom.  I started school today and I've already finished all my work I had to do and now I'm bored.  My kids are at my moms for the night and I'm all alone and I'm bored.  Can you tell how bored I am?.....lol.  Usually this leads to eating but today I'm just alittle depressed and worried and stressing over something I can't really talk about right now but it feels good to not be turning to food. 

The last 4 days have been easy eating wise and thats got me worried but I'm trying to think positively because negative thinking brings on negative behavior.  Just have to keep repeating these last 4 days, day after day for the next however long it takes to get this weight off.  I do know that I'm going to decrease my portion sizes starting tomorrow because I still feel like sometimes I'm eating to much at one time.  I need to also up my water intake and start getting in more fruits and veggies but I'm taking this one step at a time.  Small changes lead to big changes.

I guess thats about all for now, like I said I'm bored and not really motivated to do anything.  Kind of just feel like going to sleep which that could be because I only slept two hours last night.  Hope your all having a great day in bloggerland.

Eating on Day 4

Well I spent my first day at school and tried not to eat.  This is what I had today.

Breakfast:1 cup
2 waffles with agave syrup

Snack:
1 cup of yogurt with strawberries and granola

Lunch:
1 pack of cheese crackers
1 small pack of peanuts

Dinner:
1 cup pasta salad

Snack:
1 bowl of bran cereal with skim milk
3 oreos

I'll probably have a snack in alittle while because I'm still hungry and really haven't eaten that much today.

School Starting

Well I start back to school tomorrow and I'm so excited.  I've been stuck in this house all summer, eating and putting on weight.  I'm hoping going back to school will help with my weight loss.  I will be out of the house 4 days a week which means away from food.  I will still have to avoid the temptation of vending machines, school cafeteria and going out to eat with friends but I'm going to try my best.  I plan on eating breakfast before I leave in the morning, carrying bottles of water with me and some healthy food to snack on and then eating dinner when I get home.  That still leaves me with the evenings that I always dread and the food demons come out but maybe I will have homework to take up that time, plus I need to start incorporating exercise soon.

My counseling sessions have been moved to Friday mornings so hopefully the motivation she gives me will last me through the weekend until I can get back to school.  I've mentioned this quite a few times before but I have alittle over 9 months before I graduate college and I do not want to walk across the stage looking like I do now.   I have to get on the ball if I want to get this weight off.  Honestly I would be happy if I could graduate at 160 lbs which still isn't my goal weight but its what I would be comfortable at.  I don't want to set such a high goal that I can't make it happen.  Shoot right now I would just be happy being under 200 lbs. 

But for now I don't want to think of the long term.  My goal for this week is to just lose 1 lb.  Now who can't lose 1 lb?  I read an article one day that said to make sure you set small goals that you can make happen and before you know it they will add up to your big goal.  I know without a doubt that I can lose 1 lb this week so anything over that is just extra.  I do have to start exercising soon though which will help get my blood pressure down plus all the extra benefits of losing weight and making my body stronger. 

My official weight that I'm starting this journey off on this time is 246 lbs and I will be weighing in on Fridays.  Just wanted to put that out there so I have that accountability.  So far I think I'm doing really well.  I may not be eating the healthiest foods in the world but I'm watching my portions and I'm going to start incorporating more health foods as soon as I can make it to the grocery store and stock up.  The kids start to school next week so that will help because I won't have to be cooking for them 3 times a day.....yay.  I can concentrate more on eating the right foods instead of what they are yelling for.  I have alot of changes happening over the next couple weeks and I'm looking at all of them in a positive light.  Can't wait to weigh in Friday and see how I'm doing.  Good luck to everyone out there in bloggerland.  Hope your eating and exercise is on track and if not remember today is a new day.

Eating on Day 3

I've kept pretty busy today so I haven't eaten to much.  Here's what I've had.

Breakfast:
Bran cereal with skim milk and a banana
1 cup orange juice

Lunch:
Banana sandwich

Dinner:
Small bowl of beef stroganoff


Snack:
1 peppermint patty
Now that I look at it I haven't eaten much today and I feel great not having that stuffed feeling like I always did before.  Just have to keep watching the portion sizes.

Why am I Afraid to Lose Weight?

Have you ever wondered if you are just afraid to lose weight and if so what would be the reason behind it?  I've talked to my counselor many times about this but we haven't figured out my reason yet.  What am I hiding from under all this fat....myself or others?  Maybe its just pure laziness keeping me from losing the weight or maybe I just don't want it bad enough, but how can that be when I spend so much of my life focused on losing weight?  So many questions run through my mind.  Do I like being fat....Hell No.   Do I like people looking at me like I have some kind of disease or something....No Way.  Do I want to change....Without a Doubt. 

So what is it going to take for me to lose weight?  My health is on the line now so is that going to be a big enough motivator?  I don't know because it hasn't been a big enough motivator to stop my bulimia.  How do I find the strength to do what I know needs to be done?  In my brain its so easy just eat right and exercise, so how do I make myself do that?

If anyone has answers to any of my questions please let me know.   Are you afraid of losing weight and if so what are you hiding from?  What did it take for you to change and lose weight?  I would love to hear other peoples stories.

Eating on Day 2

My eating for Day 2 hasn't been to bad but I know I need to pick healthier choices.  Right now though I'm just trying to watch my portion sizes.  Here's what I had to eat:

Breakfast:
Bowl of bran cereal with skim milk and 1 banana
1 thin slice of livermush
1 cup orange juice

Lunch:
Turkey and cheese sandwich
Banana

Dinner:
12 chicken nuggets with honey

Snack:
1 cup vanilla pudding
1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich


Compared to how much I've been eating this is a big improvement.  I am going to start working on what I eat very soon though.  I need to include more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods. 

When Night Falls

I don't know about all of you but when night falls around here thats when all the food demons come out.  I'm bored, I'm lonely and all I want to do is eat.  During the day I can stay busy cleaning and running errands but then by the evening I'm out of things to do.  There is always watching tv or reading or some other hobby you might have but when the food demons come out you forget all those things.  I'm looking at the clock right now and thinking about how much longer I have to make it until bedtime and boy does it seem like a long time.  And just as I was typing that sentence my son is shoving ice cream in my face begging me to finish eating it....lol....I said no though. 

Why is it that we have programmed our brains to believe food is a source of entertainment, a best friend, a hobby and a cure all for every emotion we have?  Food is here to sustain our lives, thats it.  Why is it when I'm bored I don't think of calling up a friend or God forbid exercising, no I run to the fridge to see what there is to munch on.  Well I'm off to slay my demons and hopefully make it until bedtime without eating anything else.  Good luck to all of you.

My First Day Back

Well my first day back has been pretty good so far but then again the evening is always the hardest for me.  Here is what I've had to eat.

Breakfast:
1 cup orange juice
1 blueberry pancake with syrup

Lunch:
Turkey and cheese sandwich
1 banana

Dinner:
1 small serving lasagna
2 slices garlic cheese bread

Snack:
1 banana
1 cup jello
1 small piece blueberry cake
Now this may not look like the healthiest things to eat but compared to how much I've been eating I'm proud of myself today.  I'm still trying to talk myself into exercising so we will see what happens with that.

Starting Over Once Again

Well I've gained all my weight back that I lost and here I find myself again starting over.  Right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I have to start somewhere.  I've shut everyone out of my life that might have been there to help me through this except my couselor and thank God for her.  We have been tackling the issue of my bulimia but so far its not helped much.  Last week was a really bad week, I was binging and purging 3 to 4 times a day.  I'm not sure what its going to take for me to stop what I'm doing but I know my health depends on it.  I feel like I'm living in a fog all the time and I can't really focus on anything and my counselor says thats because of the nutrition I'm depriving my body of and I'm sure she's correct.  The weird thing is you would think I had lost weight but I've actually gained weight.  I found out last week from my doctor that I have high blood pressure now and she thinks thats because of my weight so now my health is being affected.  I just want to start over and wipe the slate clean and lose this weight.  I want to be happy and healthy and come out on the other side a survivor.  At my last session with my couselor she pointed out something that I had never thought about before, I like to play the victim.  The victim of my life, my weight and my eating disorder.  I've never thought of myself as a victim before but I guess she is right.  I have noone to blame for my how my life is but myself.  If I truly want to change how things are then I have to make things happen.  I leave my counseling sessions with such empowerment but it doesn't take long for that feeling to fade and then I'm right back where I was so I'm turning to everyone of my blogging buddies for help.  Maybe with your support and encouragement I can get through this and in return I will be there for you also.  I just need to get my focus and motivation back and make this happen.  I'm tired of watching the days, the months and the years pass by and nothing is changing.  I don't like who I am and I don't want to be this person any longer.  I want to be a survivor.